Monday, February 14, 2005

Sweet Release

I confess, I do not know where to begin.

Take any impossible and sad story you've heard about a husband and wife, tie it to a bungee chord and throw it off the edge without a safety net. I hate heights and last night, I faced one of my worst fears. The mother of them all. The initial silence was the longest horrifying rumble that shook me to the core. But, low and behold, the chord sprung back and took me to a new place. I'm alive and still deeply entrenched in love. Many tears and a very long talk later, then a few kisses and an embrace, we fell asleep in the same bed keeping each other warm as we had so many nights before.

Without exception, this feeling of pure unbridled redemption flows from the fact that I am married to the most amazing person I have ever met. If there is proof in restoring faith in humankind, let it be this woman. She is my best friend and that is the way it will stay. I love my wife. And there's nothing anyone can do about it. In the universal struggle between lust and love, for me, the latter has emerged unfettered to proclaim it's victory.

The future will always be unstable. You can't prepare for what's coming. If you think you can you are delusional. No one is safe from tragedy and the crumbling, rocks on that path before you are at times cruel companions. You can encase yourself in miles of bubble wrap and delight in other forms of soft, cushy padding and all you'll discover is that in the end, is you've suffocated after it invades your lungs like a parasite. My wish for you is that along with those gut wrenching moments you've got somebody waiting on the other end of the teeter-totter, to propel you back into the air. In my case, I didn't realize who I had staring me right in the face the entire time.

As with any high, one of my fears did come true. My brain is now clear, but now into hers I've dumped an entire lifetime of foreign notions. In a sense, we've reversed roles. She's trying to keep afloat. At this point, I can only ask her so much if she is OK. I can tell she's still reeling. She needs some room to breathe.

Oh yeah, and wild, naked dancing monkeys will probably help, we've got a couple of those, too.

We are sticking it out for the duration. The top priority now, is to stay together. For all intents and purposes, our situation is not changing. I am determined that this will make us an even stronger team than before. We will be a family under one roof and take the hits as they keep coming. But just try and stop us. I dare you. She says "Hi" by the way. :)

Since everybody needs a little love on V-Day and I am in a giving mood, go here immediately and smile.



Raven in NYC (aka Mark) said...

Absolutely amazing. Beautiful. This will make your relationship stronger in ways that you had no idea were possible. I am sharing this with my wife, a strong and amazing woman like yours, today.

Alan said...

Obviously she's quite the person... I'm glad things went well.

Davy said...

Did you *plan* to break the news on Valentine's Day, or was this all so sudden?

Signalite said...

I did not plan to break the news at all. The thought occurred to me to wait. But then, I'm the kind of person that once the cycle of putting something off begins...I always find an excuse and I never do it.

Anonymous said...

Happy Valentine's Day Simon.
Here's to a day full of love and happiness.

Michael said...

I started to say "Congratualtions Simon," but that doesn't seem like the right phrase. I cannot begin to imagine how you must feel.

I do hope that time as passes and challenges arise, you'll keep what you've written here (whether you continue to do so or no) in your mind, and remember the smile you must be wearing right now.

Happy Valentines Day, may it come to mean anything near as much to the rest of us.

sis. said...

sweet people deserve sweet release...
i don't care what anybody else says, cause it's not their life. happy v-day bro and family.
love sis.

matt said...

Well done, both of you. I don't know your life, but I recognise something of your situation -- from the monkeys' perspective. Raise them well, and treat your wife right, but don't sacrifice all your happiness for it.

Those that love you will come to respect how much you've given up for them, but may also wish a measure of fulfilment -- of that other kind of love -- on their devoted husband/father. What child wants to think, later in life, that they were a burden or an obstacle?

Be a good husband. A good father. A good (gay) man. Make them proud of you in every way.

Make us all.

Brian said...

Wow, it seems like opened that closet door a crack, and then yanked it open and came running out. I can't even imagine what you're going through. Good luck, and thanks for sharing with the rest of us.

Anonymous said...

Is it just me or does all of this seem just a bit too "Movie of the week" unreal? In any case the writing's just as nauseating. Creeps me out.

MattR said...

Although I never got married, it sounds a lot like my own story. I had the luxury of a different path. I wish you all the best.

Signalite said...

Yikes. "Movie of the Week" huh? Oh well. So be it. I always was a hopeless case.

Jase said...

Like those who have said to me before, it takes strength and courage. Good on you to take this big step in your life.

You seem to be surrounded by people who love you for you, and that's a good thing. Welcome out. :)

Anonymous said...

Ha Ha! All the makings of a bad screenplay. Is that what you're really up to here Simon? Pitching your story to Hollyweird? You do seem extremely sanguine for someone supposedly in crisis. Either that or you're just an inveterate egotist. Go spend some time in the real world bud!


Greg said...

Welcome to the family.

Tuna Girl said...


And I know this is missing the point in a huge way, but I loved that video you linked to. I'm going to have to pass that on to some travelers who would appreciate it.

Anonymous said...

I used to "mess" with married guys a lot...they all seemed to be so horny for male to male sex..I really liked young fathers..I could always tell from the empty baby seat in the back seat of the Volvo. I always felt a thrill giving these guys "head". I have since given up my addiction to married guys and only date single men. It was no way to live.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was there too. Glad I'm separated and have a boyfriend now. It's much better that way. Married and gay -- you know what they said about hitting your head with a hammer? It feels so good when you stop.

sexy said...