Today had it's ups and downs. Ever since I started opening up to other people about all of this (albeit only to some very nice new friends online) my mood swings have become erratic. I feel good then all of the sudden a wave of sadness will pull me back into the dumps. And then I'll talk about it again and feel alright for a while. Then I wake up and do it all over again.
I had a good conversation with a friend about breathing a few days ago. I realized that I cannot get caught up in this sexual side of me too much right now. It is completely in my hands whether I decide to come out or not. When the time is right, I will. It is the only right thing to do. In the meantime I have the unwieldy task of teaching a few members of the new generation some tolerance and the importance of an open mind. And I have to concentrate on keeping it in my pants. Wish me luck.
Another big thing I am dealing with is that I'm considering changing careers. I have been where I am for so long because I am needed there and it's what I thought I wanted to do with my life. But the more I do it, the less important it becomes. I think as much as I hate being in a state of flux, it is that very state that keeps me alive. When i get too comfortable, bored, disenchanted, what have you, I turn into an incredible slacker. My desire becomes dim and it's really not fair to those involved. So if I'm not going to shake off the disdain for my current place in society, the only logical thing to do is move on. It's going to be...very hard to do.
Partly because I don't have a direction anymore. The avenues I thought I wanted to try have turned out to have some major potholes. I need something that is more often than not creatively stimulating rather than drudgingly dependent on selling something (sound familiar?). I realize that it's virtually impossible in this very modern and urban life I live in, but I think maybe I just need more balance between the creating and selling. All too often I fall to the extremes. It's gotta be all about balance.
So, I've been considering culinary school. I've been cooking for a while now. My wife doesn't cook at all and hasn't ever expressed interest. So I had to learn partly out of survival, make sure my kids get fed something other than nasty processed food product. But I, in fact, enjoy my epicurean tendencies quite thoroughly. It appeals to both my creative and intellectual sides. It's almost like performing music and producing sculpture simultaneously; you have to practice the steps and the timing while working with raw materials to turn it into something beautiful for the senses. And I am told that I do a good job at it. Goodness knows there aren't any shortage of people out there who need to eat. (I also happen to think a man who can handle his food can be very sexy...and is probably good at stimulating some other senses :) ) We'll see where it leads.