Friday, February 11, 2005

Powderkeg

I tried to sleep last night and instead my eyes felt like they were being held open with some sort of Clockwork Orange kind of contraption. I am exhausted. Somehow I'm still awake. But I can't think about anything else. I may as well not even be at work today. It's quite impossible to concentrate on anything else.

I came out, officially, to one of my best friends last night. We had lived together as roommates in college. He had already known these thoughts had been swirling around in the ether, but was never certain where or how I was drifting through them at any given time. He's the easiest person to confide in and the most brutally honest. He was my first major crush. He was my best man at my wedding. The perfect balance of realistic empathy, bitter sarcasm, with the resolve of a humble sage. I miss him. But I love him now as my brother and we hashed it it like brothers do.

I am a control freak. This, I have always known. Yesterday's events and discussions cemented that firmly to the forefront of my vision. I am a narcissist. I waste time practicing my lines to sound the right way. How deplorable. How trite. I am not a man. I'm a whimpering, little boy in the guise of some aging vessel. I never grew up. I never wanted to.

For all my high ideals I desire to strive for, these things in my life nullify them. It is a fairy tale concocted by a shiftless dreamer like myself to actually want to live completely in the service of others. This is all that I want. But isn't that a contradiction in itself? Again with what I want. Where do I draw the line between emotion and logic? The word "I" appears way too much in this post already.

I can't disclose the finite details of my sordid living station here. I don't expect you to qualify what I'm doing simply based on what I write. I must emphasize that I exist this way because of the mounting circumstances that keep adding to the pressure to remain hidden. I am sorry that it seems so incredibly deceptive. I only ever meant for this to be an outlet of my thoughts, so I could concentrate on the basic necessities of food, shelter and the daily grind. I've always believed in sacrifice and honesty and I haven't been able to get the formula to make the two mix.

I've said before I am an instigator. My foolhardy grand designs rarely work out as planned. My responsibility now lies not only in rectifying the disservice I have done to my wife, but I can't justify dropping the bomb without some kind forward thinking about recovery in it's wake. Give me all the dissertations on feminism you'd like. I have full confidence that she would would go and live her days as the independent woman she is. That spirit is what has kept us together for so long. It does come down to survival. In order to simply function, to breathe and keep our kids safe and happy. If it wasn't that way, I'd be out in heartbeat.

I did not want to admit that I was gay when I entered into my agreement of marraige. I thought it was wrong. I thought I could make it go away. I thought I was superman. I had youth and vitality on my side which has now become a deflated subversion of it's former self. Make no mistake, I am not ashamed that I am gay now. I am extremely frightened, plain and simple. But I will not pull a Dubya and enter into battle without an exit strategy. Sorry. Chalk it up to my growing list of selfish priorities.

I probably won't post for a few days. Life is about to get much more complicated than I ever imagined it would. Maybe after some sleep...I can't think anymore.

Resigned,
Simon

10 comments:

Alan said...

I know it's not very helpful, but my thoughts are with you...

"the" Mrs. Astor said...

As always, I'm speechless; but I'm thinking of you, too.

Raven in NYC (aka Mark) said...

I will try not to be long about my comment. I'm 27, married, bi -- and my wife knows. It all came out this past summer. It wasn't pretty to start, but 5+ months later we have a stronger marriage than before. Of course, there were plenty of details that have helped make it work out for the best, but the most important was our love and friendship and the fact that she is an amazing woman who surprises me everyday of my life. It's a constant open dialogue and it's not always perfect, but I can honestly say that we are both much happier together. I share because I understand so much of what you have written, and because I have come out of the other side.

Anonymous said...

I hope it all turns out well. There's really not much I can say that you probably haven't already articulated in your mind, so that's all I've got to say.

Raul!

ms bliss said...

I didn't sleep so well either last night Simon. Had a very bad dream which woke me up and I couldn't help wondering if I'd been too harsh. Ultimately I don't think so, I said what I truly felt. But it's astounding how old pain can be brought back to the surface by the most unlikely things.

Kudos on taking your first step. It'll get easier down the road. Especially if you have support. Personal transformation IS possible. And the rewards gained from living an authentic life are boundless. And in so many more areas of your life than just sex. Hmmm...starting to sound like Oprah here...time to stop.

Signalite said...

No worries, ma'am, your points were well taken. It was about time for a good lashing anyway. Sorry to make you lose sleep as well! Hopefully I'll have good things to report in the future.

Anonymous said...

don't let coming out to him slow you down shy away from continuing on this path. i think you did a good thing, everyone needs someone to confide in.

btw, thanks for adding me to your reading list, i'll be keeping up with your journal as well.

daniel kenneth (daily spewage)

Anonymous said...

I came out at 14 so I find it tough to relate to a guy who's almost 30 and still afraid. I didn't exactly have a choice cuz I'm not exactly "butch" and getting called queer was pretty much a daily thing through high school. My mom & dad found out when I ended up in the emergency room after getting the crap beat out of me. Mom knew...dad didn't give a shit. Cops wouldn't press charges. I used to envy guys like you who could pass as straight. I couldn't act straight if my life depended on it. (almost did)

Justin

Zeitzeuge said...

I can't even begin to understand what you're going through. I can't. But I have to say that I've spent the last hour going over every single word you've written since you've started.

big hug
www.zeitzeuge.org

Anonymous said...

don't you people know what the prime directive is? this is an experiment in the works and your interference is just tipping the scales.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prime_Directive