I still have a sweeping sense of sadness that floods over me at any given moment. It's hard when you are happy one second and then staring off into space the next. This relationship is really going to end, but I doubt it won't sink in until I wake up in an empty house. I will miss being around my wife's sweet spirit and warmth to keep me company at night. If anything, we feel comfortable with each others presence and I believe we still are even now. There's nothing wrong with sharing a life with your best friend. It's the addiction to the daily routine that we'll have to get over.
I was thinking of infusing a little more of my identity with the blog now that it's probably a little safer but I am concerned that people will read only hoping that it will eventually take a turn for...the sexual. If you are looking to satisfy your voyeuristic urges by mapping out every event my private parts partake of, then I'm afraid you've come to the wrong place. Out of respect to my wife, I will not broadcast my past, present or future sexual encounters here. I expect to have the occasional crush now and then, but doing the deed is entirely different. I don't believe I've been extremely explicit and I don't intend to start now. There you have it. The rule as of now. So don't ask. You're reading this on the internet for god's sake, so go find some porn.
If you must know, I'll be surprised if I am intimate again with anyone until the far future. I have enough to contend with before I can even think about going that route. I've dated a total of two people in my lifetime and it took me months to even get the point of feeling like a "boyfriend". Yeah, so they were with girls and we all know the explanation for why those didn't work out. It's quite simple. Being out (of the closet and from commitment) now does not entitle me the right to run around with my fly open. That's just stupid. I am a father and a friend first. I still need to provide for my family even though we won't be under the same roof. This has never changed.
Peace,
Simon
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4 comments:
It's like what the narrator said on the last episode of "Desperate Housewives" -- all the lies we tell ourselves. I won't broadcast my sex life (even though I'm telling my sex secrets to the world on an internet site). I'll be separated but won't have sex with a man until the far future. We'll never know whether you keep lying to yourself, or just to us.
You've got a lot of shit to work out--I think that's way more interesting than sex.
I get more confused by the minute. Is it a lie to try and impose some degree of self control for the sake of getting through a rough situation? Why is trying to sacrifice some aspect of life for the good of others such a disdainful act? Should I just stop writing about it all and go back to my silence? This is the first time I haven't just thrown in the towel to a difficult situation. I have caused grief to a lot of people now. I'd say I owe something to them to keep this as low key as possible. I am sorry that you believe I am lying. If I didn't have those people I care about I probably would disclose absolutely everything here to the rest of the world. But is that fair to them? I haven't used proper names or places or things so I can't blame you for thinking this is all some elaborate scheme to gain sympathy. I guess, you really don't know who to trust anymore these days.
I am amazed at how much respect and dignity you have for your wife. Too still make sure that she is comfortable by not coming on and talking about every dick you taste (though if you do, I will not quit reading). That speaks volumes of you. And just ignore people who say otherwise, they are probably the ones who have nothing better going for them than to read about other people's sexual experiences.
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