Tuesday, January 31, 2006

We Like To Share At Work

Today's morning email offering at work:

donuts AND meatsticks...
...in the break area. Enjoy!

Do I dare even go there?


Monday, January 30, 2006

Secret Simon Vid No. 003

Watch the vid.

Unacceptable levels of toxic heavy metal detected in the blood stream. The contents of the heart are heaviest when it rains.


Friday, January 27, 2006

Sketch o' the Day ~ Power Lines

(click to see larger)

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Finish

I find that the cords that give me energy don't always reach to the places I need them to.

Inspired by a question posed by Joel and this vlog entry.


Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Flight Manual

Backyard. After school.
Receive instruction from pilot.
"Daddy, daddy, com'ere, com'ere, com'ere. I have a idea. Now turn around. NO no no! Not that way. The other way. No. Daddy what's wrong with you? Okay, now ready?"
Latch monkey onto back. Check for death grip around neck. Prepare for departure.

"OK now go truck go!"
Maniacal laughter ensues. Watch small animals fear for their lives.

"Now up dere!"
shwoooof...sputter sputter...Nyeeeeerrr..
Turn truck into plane at a moments notice.

"Go dat way!"
Monkeys aren't the best pilots.

"Aw man!"
Drop monkey back at the depot.

"Daddy, daddy, com'ere. I have a idea..."
Refuel for further expeditions.

Backyard. After school.
Repeat standard operating procedure.

Watch monkey fly in slow motion after they've hit the ejector seat. Lose glasses. Eat dirt.

Flooosh...tumble tumble...
Lie in wet leaves.

Frantically search for glasses before monkey steps on them.

Apparently I should have my license revoked. But it seems I've been let off the hook. As for the daredevil? Not even a scratch.


Monday, January 23, 2006

From The Desk Of...

So it seems the marvelous mr. twentysomething has given me a chance at a meme. And this one involves pretty pictures so there we go. Does the desktop make the man? If so I've got a split personality disorder.

Hm. I've got a threesome of computers that I use equally every day. So it's only fair to show all three (er, or not fair...don't hate.) If computers have that same love/hate syndrome that we do with our lovers (although I've yet to have any firsthand knowledge of such things) does this make me a playa?

Machine No. 1 - aka "Zeus (Type-A Workorse)"

Don't be fooled by the amount of room on the surface. There's a folder on here that is threatening to burst if you sneeze the wrong way.

Machine No. 2 - aka "Jan Brady (Sensitive Middle Child)"

This is actually one snippet of a much larger picture. Maybe I'll finish it in time for next winter...

Machine No. 3 - aka "Johnny Appleseed (Slow-Ass Delivery Boy)"

This image was commisioned for a nifty banner for mr. ridiculous raw youth. This is also a more accurate representation of my real life desktop. Or should I just say my real life.

I don't tag. But feel free to play along and link to yours in the comments if you do. Started by mr. madlife and you can also see a whole lot more in one place courtesy of mr. stop touching my food.


Friday, January 20, 2006

Thought Balloons

If you think on it long enough, someone else will eventually say it. This is the best thing I've seen in a long time:

Dance, Monkey, Dance

(Via Fox and the City. More at Ernie Cline's site.)


Wide Open Spaces

The best things about going to work at 5 'o clock-ish in the AM:

  • There's no one on the roads or bridges. (Sometimes it seems like you're flying...)

  • There's no one at work. (My productivity decreases exponentially after 9AM...)

  • Playing my music really, REALLY LOUD. (An empty warehouse often makes a great concert hall...)

  • Belting to said music really, REALLY LOUD. (Madame Butterfly, Shakira or Fatboy Slim? All three of course...)

  • Breaking into my silly white-boy groove at any given time. (Because it feels good when no one's looking...)

So there are times when it's good to be alone. (Okay, back to work with you slave boy!)


Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Sketch o' the Day ~ Minor Hurricanes

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | Finish

If I could just bottle that energy I'd be a millionaire.


Monday, January 16, 2006

Secret Simon Vid No. 002

Watch the vid.

I've been in a flood. But not the kind where you drown.

I've never felt so much compassion from total strangers as I have in the last week. To everyone who has written emails and messages I thank you for your kindness. I never expected that one little glimpse of my silly mug would cause the stir that it did.


Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Sketch o' the Day ~ Brimstone Waltz

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Finish

And then you ask yourself, "Should I swoon or should I sway?"


I've Got That Feeling Again...In Between My Toes

My ass smells like bananas.

Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.*

I was so proud of myself for actually sticking to my brand new "Wake up at 4AM to get out of work by 2PM" routine this morning. Things were going well. I had time to shower, shave, find socks without holes in them and even make a smoothie to drink on the way to work.

Now's the part where you put on your 3-D glasses that were given to you on the way in. At some point I confused the contents of my hands and upon trying to start my car, the lid popped off and spilled my morning libation...All. Over. Everything.

Right, so I'm not just clumsy. When I spill it's usually in conjunction with all kinds of other sound effects that imply height and breadth. Splattered is good. As is hurtled and smashed. With a touch of sloshed, gurgled and oozed.

Now of course I've this fabulous sticky sweet concoction permeating all my clothes, the seat of my car, the driveway, the windshield, all the essential operating pedals...the roof. It's dark and cold and there is definitely something in my socks that shouldn't be there. Somehow, my underwear has escaped unscathed.

About an hour delay, many towels and a change of clothes later (alas my socks are holy again) I make it to work. My butt is thankfully not wet but still I'm sure people will wonder why there are whiffs of a produce section whenever I amble by. The fruity aroma was pleasant enough this morning but I can't wait to see what my car smells like this afternoon.

Ah, well. I would be far more annoyed with all this if I wasn't consistently a Genuine Grade-A Clutz. And because if this was an olympic event I'd have scored the gold with this particularly brilliant technique in my car. Twice before already.


*(Anyone care to guess this movie line? Maybe I'll give you a prize...)

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Dear Lovely People

Yeah, I mean you over there in the corner.

Sometimes you're like a good game of chess at 2:30 in the afternoon shade when everyone else has fallen asleep and there's nothing in the fridge except iced tea and leftover lasagna.

Which is to say you're swell. :)

(But beyond logical reason since I'm horrible at chess.)

I hope you hear it sometimes. But if not, there you go.


Monday, January 09, 2006

Secret Simon Vid No. 001

Guess what? The blog is one year old today.

Guess who?

It's just me and an orange tree. Watch the vid.

Thank you Willing Warrior, sometimes all one needs is the right push.


Thursday, January 05, 2006

Simple Simon in Slumberland

I haven't had any dreams that I remembered in a long time. Usually they aren't straightforward, don't involve people in real life and entail surreal cinematic gestures. However, three nights now in succession I've had very blunt dreams grounded in my everyday world that started off nicely only to end up...as you can see...

Three nights ago, I had a dream that I was walking through downtown St. Petersburg. I was on my way to the movies when I saw the man who usually plays an instrument for money. I didn't have any to give and had to walk past. In the next moment I was handed a microphone, informed that I was now fired from my current job, no longer had a house and this was my new station in life. I woke up in a cold sweat.

Two nights ago, I had a dream that I was living back at my childhood home. I was running around half dressed in the top half of a suit and boxers ready to go out. I had spent the day defending myself after coming out to old friends but generally was enthralled to be preparing for my first date with a boy. A couple drove up to the house, followed me around for a while, told me to sit down and proceeded to inform me I was HIV+. I woke up with a stomach ache.

Last night, I had a dream that I was at my mom's apartment waking up next to a fellow blogger. (Since I don't dream about sex it was purely platonic...) I gave him a kiss on the cheek and we parted ways. In my hurry to leave, I didn't close the door to the house all the way. I had to take my mom to the hospital. When I returned her apartment had been robbed, not even a mess left but stripped of everything. And then went outside to realize the two men I had made way for were the fleeing culprits. I woke up with a heavy heart.

What the hell.


Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Sketch o' the Day ~ Escape

(Click to see larger)

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | Finish

I think it goes without saying that being trapped comes in many forms, social, mental, emotional....but the most obvious of these is the limit of our human shell and how simply we can cease to stop functioning.


Workaholics Anonymous

So it seems I'll be taking some time off very soon whether I want to or not.

I didn't know you could actually have so much vacation time accrued that you can lose it if you don't use it. I'm not sure how much I can take off at one time but apparently 10 weeks is overkill if I ever chose to use it...I'm tempted to just have them cut me a check. January isn't exactly prime vacation time...

What to do, what to do.

Thank goodness this doesn't apply to other things like, say, my penis. I try to keep it maintained of course, but at least it doesn't stop working if you don't, uh, work it. Right? I may be gay but still like being a boy after all. Although if someone came to me and said you have to get laid or else you won't get to for another year, I'd probably oblige.


Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Sketch o' the Day ~ Unfinished No. 1

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 ...

Yikes. I fell asleep in the middle of this one. It seems some things take precedence and I haven't yet learned to draw in my sleep.

But that's okay.

Although if my hand decided to take initiative that would be a very Evil Dead kind of moment. Good thing I don't own a chainsaw.

This does bring up a question about what is considered finished and unfinished. These are supposed to be only sketches after all so I'm actually not all that bothered that it's not "finished". I believe the rule is a thousand bad drawings before you start to do good ones. In my case, I have a gazillion pieces of warped lines and spaces that were showing signs of life and never emerged from the fuzzy limbo.

Truth be told, the point of the daily sketch is first and foremost an exercise in the immediate, to cultivate an idea and become faster at it's development. I'm trying to learn to indulge in the brevity instead of the labor. As I have the tendency to do with many things...

Thus, I will have sketches that I will have to deem "Unfinished". Besides, most artists have sketchbooks with unrelenting amounts of raw ideas that are never seen or heard. Time doesn't turn them sour but hopefully can one day spark something grander.


Monday, January 02, 2006

Sketch o' the Day ~ Visitor

(Click to see bigger.)

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | Finish

What exactly is the best way to expel a boogeyman?


Sunday, January 01, 2006

Sketch o' the Day ~ Unbound

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Finish

Nothing feels better at the start of a new year than getting a fresh mental start. Except maybe clean underwear. That's always nice too.