Thursday, February 10, 2005

Several Steps Back

My wife calls me at work.

First sentence out of her mouth. "Is there anything you need to tell me?" ...taken aback slightly...

"Umm, I don't think so." ...is this really going to happen now...

"I found something of yours." ...starting to lose feeling in my appendages...

"Oh, what's that?" ...stifling the quiver in my voice...

"What do you need a box of condoms for?" ...followed by intense nausea....

"Oh that. I thought maybe if your birth control is bothering you too much we could try doing with out it for a while and see how you feel..." ...then ear piercing silence rings in my head as I try to concentrate...

"Oh, OK. That's cool. We can try that." ...and my heart starts beating again...

"You got worried didn't you?" ...as I hear the relief in her voice...

"Yes!" ...a sting of pain in my neck...

"Aw, I'm sorry baby. I wasn't going to push the issue with you but they are there if we want to go that route." ...back into hiding...

"Are you sure?" ...a tingling sensation marks the return of life to my vital organs...

"Whatever you decide my dear. Love you." ...opportunity lost.

Now, whether YOU believe me or not, this was entirely true. That's why i bought the condoms. But somewhere in there, the little voice in my brain had a conniption because of what I could have said. After I hung up the phone, I proceeded to ram my face into the desk.

Excuse me teacher, may I go to bathroom now, I need to vomit.

*sigh*

Peace,
Simon

21 comments:

Christian said...

Wow. You took me back to a confrontation I had once where I thought I was being "called out," when it turned into something altogether different. And then the chance to come clean passed...and I was made to wait for another chance. Luckily, the other chance I got was one that I was able to plan myself and control to my satisfaction. Good luck to you.

Alan said...

Yow.

I think I would have peed a little.

ms bliss said...

Coming out is about one thing & one thing only. Honesty. With yourself. With your family. With your loved ones. With the people you are afraid of. With the people you hate. And especially with the people who would hate you. You can rationalize your choices until you're blue in the face. Others can continue to enable you and attemmpt to validate those choices with the same amount of intellectual dishonesty or they can call you on your cowardice. I choose the latter. Coward. Pathetic, dishonest coward.

Hanks said...

great blog for a thoroughly difficult situation. it completely reminds me of myself last year... coming to terms (whatever those may be) with this life can be really hard to do. it's amazing how hearing from others helps though.

i really wish you the best.

Anonymous said...

there's nothing cowardly in choosing others before yourself.

A.C.

Signalite said...

I tend to agree with the cowardice remark...I may have posted the same thing if I was on the flip side.

ms bliss said...

AARGGHH! Simon, you "claim" you're doing this responsibility bit for her. Gimme a goddamn break. Talking as a straight woman who once dated a gay man, you are SO being a totally selfish bastard here. By using her as a fucking beard!!! And I do mean "using" her. The financial responsibility crap is bullshit. Wake up for pity's sake. I SO doubt that she's such a delicate flower that she's incapable of taking responsibility for herself. That's insulting to ALL women. Don't you think she deserves a guy who's turned ON by her pink bits instead of being at the very least indifferent to them and maybe even repulsed?? Do you give her great head Simon?? Doubt it. Mine used to hold his nose & don't think it didn't hurt when he did. How betrayed will she feel when at 58 she finds out you never had any real physical desire for her. It'll be a wee bit late for her to find someone who does by then. That's just WRONG!!! And it will be YOUR FAULT!! Because of YOUR SELFISHNESS. In this society older women are just as disadvantaged as fags. You will have taken her life away from her. Have you given any real thought to HER life beyond your phony excuses? Try and think of someone besides yourself for a minute or two. She deserves a real lover, Simon, not a caretaker, and not some prick who's putting in his time just because he's a chickenshit closet case afraid to live an honest life. Be a man Simon.

Signalite said...

::G, why yes thanks, in fact the point of doing this blog is that I can muster the courage before it's too late. I'm sure you do relate and I appreciate your candor. Thanks for your encouraging words. I'm sure I'll get what's coming to me when I finally follow through.

ms bliss said...

Sorry for the anger here, but one more comment for the rest of you. You can all hold hands, sing Kumbaya and pat Simon on the back for dealing with a "difficult" situation. But NEVER forget that he's stealing a life from a woman who deserves more and will ultimately be the one devastated by this enormous conceit. Guaranteed.

Signalite said...

::G You are probably right, but you are also not her. And you do not know the circumstances that many variables can play into. If you don't like this you have the option not to read it. I do value all remarks, be they negative and positive. Please save yourself some grief and don't read this blog any further if it bothers you so much. But I actually hope you will. Maybe you will have vindication when she slices off my penis in a fit of rage.

ms bliss said...

You like to control other people's lives don't you sweetie? I'll stop reading when I choose to. I know all my options because I have all the information. That's more than I can say for your wife whether I know her or not. And I don't want anything bad to happen to either of you. I'm not vindicitive just realistic. I'd like nothing more than to see you both end up with a couple of hot guys who rock your respective worlds. But sooner rather than later. BTW...my gay ex...he got married to his boyfriend in Toronto last year. I was at the wedding. It was beautiful. I cried. I also hear he gives great head now. And they both enjoy it.

Signalite said...

::G, Thanks again, I do appreciate your honesty and I am working on mine. :)

Chox said...

Wow...lots of emotions here. I've been reading your blog ever since I discovered you linked me. So, I'll take this opportunity to thank you for your link, and thank you for giving me a peek into your life.

First of all, I feel for you. You're in a difficult, and tragic situation. You've done the right thing in creating this blog, as it's a healthy outlet for you. I was thinking about linking you to mine, but I don't know if you'd want that. I will if you want, but give me permission first.

Now, let's talk here.

I've read ::g's comments, and I can see everything from her perspective. I once dated women, and I once let a closeted double-existence. Compounding my situation was the fact that I was in the Air Force. I agree with ::g, but I don't have her anger. She has been hurt in the past, it's quite obvious, and everything she says has merit. I actually hurt a bit reading her words...for a lack of a better term, I felt her anger and pain. And she has every right to feel the way she does. Put yourself in her situation...pretend you were dating the hottest man of your dreams. You love him, you want to build a life with him, and the entire time...he's fucking women behind your back because he's just not into you sexually anymore. It would be agonizing, especially if it went on behind your back. Now, even if he wasn't having sex with anyone else, but was still living a charade, it would still be hurtful and devastating. My heart actually goes out to ::g, and I hope she gets over her hurt and frustration if she hasn't already. She's right...coming out is about honesty.

I'm glad I came out to myself before I fathered a child...I did get a woman pregnant, but she miscarried at 7 months. I would have a 15 year-old son right now had it not. I'm sad the baby didn't live, but at the same time...I don't know how good a father I would have been. Fact is, you've brought two new lives into the world, and it's your responsibility to raise them, and love them, and provide for them, and give 100% of yourself to them. It's your duty as a father. That's what my parents did for me, and I will always...ALWAYS be thankful. Right now, they're forming memories of their daddy that they'll be taking with them the rest of their life.

So listen closely to what I'm going to say now.

Try to look past her hostility and read her message. She's right. Your wife obviously loves you, and has dedicated her life to you, and started a family. She wants the dream...raising her children, and growing old with you, her father of her offspring, and her hopeful life companion. However, you simply cannot give her what she wants, and needs. It's not fair to her, it's not fair to you, and it's not fair to your kids. You did the right thing today...there was no "opportunity" to talk to your wife...she deserves more than being told over the phone her husband is gay.

You need to eventually tell her what's going on, and you also have to make sure she has a support network to fall back upon, and give her resources to turn to to help her understand what is going on. Back to what ::g said...with coming out being about honesty. There are good ways to come out, and bad ways. Telling her over the phone is bad. But you should not come out until you are ready. However, you should do it soon, because your children are growing older, and they need to understand what's going on here. When you tell your wife you're gay, she's going to be upset. Her world will change forever, as will life as she knows it. Her heart will be broken, and her first instinct will be to think you're going to go out and join the Village People and go to orgies in Palm Springs every weekend. Now, you know that's not so, and I know that as well. So you need to help her understand you better, and you are NOT going to abandon your children. You need to tell her you're telling her so she can move on with her life, and choose to either stay with you and let you live your life, or leave you (a distinct possibility). But remember...along with being your wife, she should also be your best friend. Be her friend, as well as her companion.

You have a long, difficult road in front of you, my friend. And I'm not going to lie and say it's going to be easy. It's not. But a true test of character and manhood is not in times of happiness and leisure, but in times of strife. Do you want to be a real man? Then do the right thing. Remain monogamous to her. Resist your urges to be with men until you're completely honest with her. At the very least, it's what she deserves. She IS the mother of your children, and I don't doubt you love her. But you need to end your charade, not only for her, and your children, but for YOU.

You deserve to be happy as much as anyone else.

I'll be researching some information for you...and try to put you in contact with people who are in the same boat as you, and who have been in the same boat. There is light at the end of the tunnel. It's going to be a long, arduous journey. But be sure to choose the right path.

Send me an e-mail, and we'll talk further. I have no motivation than to help you and your family. The link is in my blogger profile.

Big hug...and I hope this makes sense. I'm too tired to proofread what I wrote here...I hope I don't sound too much like an idiot. Forgive me if some sentences aren't complete, or my grammar, spelling, and syntax isn't perfect.

Chad

Anonymous said...

Have to say I agree with ::g completely. Don't mean to minimize your pain Simon, but it seems a lot of people are more into blog-hugging you here and ignoring that she's the real victim of the tragedy. Nevertheless I hope you find the courage to deal with this. Honest is something you are not something you work on.

Chox said...

I half agree with anonymous, except that Simon is also a part of the tragedy as well.

However, it's up to him to make sure it doesn't remain a tragedy. It could turn out very well, or it could turn out horribly. It's up to both Simon AND his wife, but Simon has to take the first step.

Simon...you're not the bad guy. This is just an unfortunate situation you're in, but you'll be okay...your wife will be okay...and your monkeys will be okay too. You just have to be brave, and honest, and do the right thing.

I'm serious...send me an e-mail. I know people who are in your same situation...except they waited way too long and suffered horribly as a result.

It sounds like ::g has moved on, but the hurt is fresh in her heart. I'm glad she was able to go to her ex's wedding. That actually gave me a lump in my throat a bit when I read it.

I wish everyone the best.

ms bliss said...

Nice words Chad. You can be good cop to my bitch cop any day! You're right, I have moved on and I dearly love my ex today. He's a wonderful man and he's now extremely happy. As am I. We all have the capacity to move on and forgive each other our failings. The truth will truly set you free.

I had dinner this evening with some girlfriends & we chatted about this. If you think I was angry tonite you shoulda heard them. In truth I was embarassed and hurt, more than angry, when it happened to me. I actually had an unbelievably ignorant aunt ask what I did to "make him that way" HA! Talk about blaming the victim. My anger tonite was for multiple reasons. One, at all the other posters who chose to ignore Simon's wife in this. Two, at Simon himself for wanting to have it both ways and indulging in some major rationalizations for not telling the truth. But mostly at a culture which forces so many gay men & women to think the closet is the only option for survival and acceptance in our society. It's not. And the more of you who can be out and honest, the sooner we can dispatch the right wing bigots to the fringes were they belong. Rant over. Off to bed. Love to all.

Toby said...

I strongly recommend that you read the novel "Pretzel Logic" by Lisa Rogak. It is about a wife's struggle with understanding that her husband is gay. It is also semi-autobiographical.

I read this book a few years ago when I was 18. It changed my perspective on the whole gay thing and made me realize that there is NO WAY I could ever get married to a woman and put her through the inevitable hell of dealing with a husband who decides one day to come out of the closet. It's a great book and you absolutely NEED to read it, I recommend it to everyone.

This blog is interesting, but the choise of "Secret Simon" as your handle is a little too cutesy, given the serious nature of being completely dishonest to your wife and children...

Raven in NYC (aka Mark) said...

Facts. I'm married, I'm bi, my wife knows, and we have a much healthier marriage together for it.
Ok, this is a fascinating thread of comments. Choosing to stay in the closet is entirely selfish, but I understand it. Of course, I was afraid of losing my wife and the life I had created, but I was also afraid of hurting her. Coward? Of course, but you have to come to terms with what you want and how you want your life to be. That's what Simon is going through. Because telling his wife is also entirely selfish -- more so.
He will fundamentally change his marriage and the relationship he has with his wife. As much as staying in the closet is selfish so is coming out. He has to be ready to accept all of this.
It's great to have the female perspective in this though. I respect where Simon is coming from and what he's going through. What has to be remembered is that while he may feel that he is truly gay, he probably doesn't love his wife any less or treat her worse. That was my biggest problem. How do you reconcile the life he has, the responsibilites it comes with, AND the profound love for his wife and monkeys and the desires inside? They are not mutually exclusive.

Anonymous said...

Coming out as gay is selfish? Since when are straights labelled as selfish for being heterosexual? And even if we accept your posit, NYC that both ways are selfish -- consider this:

Selfish + Lies = Cowardice
Selfish + Honesty = Courage

No contest in my book.

- JT

Anonymous said...

Couldn't agree more JT. Nothing selfish about honesty. Not when it might help so many others avoid a trap like Simon's. We owe it to ourselves and to other kids struggling to come out to be unashamed. Everybody out!!

Simon, good luck with this. You will find support dude.

Raven in NYC (aka Mark) said...

JT, my comment was in no way to indicate that coming out was being selfish. I was responding to ::G taking Simon to task for hiding from his wife. I was only suggesting that given the situation he is in he needed to be careful about coming out to his wife because in "getting it off his chest" it would put a huge burden on to her. That's where the selfishness comes in. Their relationship is more than a family member or friend you tell when you come out, and as such so are the resulting issues.