Monday, February 14, 2005

The Aftermath

While I had one of the seemingly best days of my life, my wife consequently had one of the worst. I don't want to give the impression that it was all a bowl of cherries. I checked on her throughout the day to to see how she was. She was good this morning. Then she asked to read this blog. And then it got worse. All of her conflicting emotions came tumbling out. So currently we are in more of a holding pattern. She's really confused. Rightly so. I can't blame her. I wish there was something more I could do for her right now besides almost making her hurl her lunch, but I'm trying to figure out what the next step should be myself.

She has her doubts about how it's going to work, since she's never heard any success stories of situations such as this working out for the long haul. I guess I haven't either for that matter. Neither of us wants to be the selfish one and we both still respect each other so there is an unintentional and emotional tug-of-war going on. She wants to be around me, but doesn't at the some time. She will probably need to see someone outside of this whole situation to talk about it all. You may now address all rotten vegetables and biological weapons to my attention.

Still, she's relieved that I don't have a lover and didn't decide to reveal this on the Jerry Springer Show. Talk about a nightmare.

I've had a few comments about why I chose to do this on Valentine's Day. I probably ticked off quite a few people because of it. The short answer: If not now, then when? Ten years from now when it'll just be that much worse? This day is still just another global rotation, like any other day. I should think, it would be a time for realizations and reflections about love more than simply saturating your sweetie with sugar coated condolences. I'd rather devote my time to something like this instead.

On a happier note, the monkeys are at large. Monkey No. 1 had a valentines exchange at school today. While I'm not keen on the amount of sugar that will be bandied about, there is something nostalgic in the tactile sensation of opening envelopes and colorful paper and your name in scrawled ink that can make you feel, well, downright special. My mom-in-law works at an elementary school and taught first grade for a while. She brought up the observation that obviously while there is candy, her classes really loved the idea of exchanging cards the most. How many times does a 6 year old get 20+ pieces of mail at one time. It's a virtual jackpot! So in this respect, I'm happy to let him enjoy it if only to stretch some creative muscles and appreciate the value of writing physical letters.

Peace,
Simon

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

well done, simon. seriously well done. first time i've read this (linked by vividblurry.com), and while i'm sure you might wish you had done this sooner, that it would have been easier (and you would be right), you pressed on anyway, and you're in the midst of doing something fabulous, and finding a whole New set of possibilities to add to your life.

xo

rich said...

1. your courage made me smile in the midst of this dreary rainy day in CA. 2. it's going to be a long hard road. i have a couple of close friends going through the same thing with monkey #1 on the way. all i can do as a friend is be there for both of them and pray. i hope you both have the support of your close friends and family.

QueerClick said...

We're so proud of you, Simon! (((HUGS)))

All the best and love conquers all. Keep the faith!

Legend said...

Simon,

I wish you the best; it took a lot of courage for you to be honest with yourself and with your family. I hope that this will lead to happiness.

"the" Mrs. Astor said...

You're a stong man, Simon, surrounded by strong family. Quite right about Valentine's Day; how much worse would it have been if you went out to a romantic dinner and told her the very next day. You are strong, man.

Timmer said...

Simon,

If you were to view my own BLOG ("Righting America"), you would see that I am a Veteran, a Conservative, Pro-Bush, I support the war (despite all of its imperfections) and am against Gay MARRIAGE (okay with civil unions).

Why am I telling you all of this? Because I see smatterings of your own politics in this BLOG and see that our ideologies are quite different. In spite of that, I want you to know that times are changing. I can't speak for all conservatives, but I too would like to congratulate you on your choice to be honest with those closest to you about this. It's nothing you could have changed even if you wanted to.

I think it will still be a challenge to your relationship, but however you decide to proceed I wish you best of luck. You seem to be a good man, a great Dad and a loving husband. THAT is what really counts, my friend.

Christian said...

I fully support and respect your decision to speak with your wife about all that's been troubling you. February 14th is just another day...and as you said, "If not now, when?"

I've known people in similar situations. My friend Richard---now deceased---hid his true feelings from his wife and two kids for 27 years. I was the one who inadvertantly broke the news, as I was working for the couple at the time and had entered into an affair with the wife, who also happened to be my best friend. They had not had sexual relations in nearly 15 years. Dottie, the wife, remained faithful for that time (well, up until she and I began our relationship) and come to find out, Richard had not. In fact, he contracted HIV, which became AIDS eventually and which is what he died of. Ultimately, it would have been better for him to reveal his secret life to his family rather than hide it shamefully and further endanger those he loved.

Not to say that that's your situation...but silence is never healthier. At least now the issue is on the table and no matter how things are at this moment, they will move forward as they need to. Stay strong.

Anonymous said...

Donnie said:

happened to me about 10 years ago. but she asked. i'm now living with my first teen-age lover. best to you with this...

Anonymous said...

Good job dude. At least she sounds like she's trying to be open minded about it, understand your situation, and maybe try to work with you on it.

I wish you both the best.

Daniel (www)

Gaydad said...

I've got a closet gay dad and I hate him for it. He's depressed because of it and he ruined the lives of his whole family. I'm the only one who seems to realise his gayness (I suppose because he passed the gaygene on to me so my gaydar is better developed. When he sips his coffee with his little finger raised in the air I just wanna scream to my family members 'Open your eyes, you retarded fuckers' or when he suddenly is really strongly opinionated about the fabric of some new curtain...it makes me cringe. And yes, you can pass the gaygene on, Jodie Foster's mom was a lesbian too, to give you an example) I look at my parents and I see what big lie they're living and it's so sad. I guess I can vaguely understand how this happened to him if I see what a homophobic retarded cunt my mother is than I can only imagine how homophobic people were 30 years ago. He must've rolled into marriage and now he's at a point of no return. He could never have imagined the huge consequences of his deed at that point I suppose. Now, he'll take his sad secret into his grave. So I do want to congratulate you for coming out to your wife, even though you probably ruined her life. But at least she still gets a chance to make the best of the rest and doesn't have to live a lie in total ignorance.

D said...

I found this blog over at vividblurry. I don't think it was a good idea to tell your wife this news on valentines day. Actually, I kind of agree with ::G, this is a bad situation all around especially since I speak from first hand experience. The only difference is that my husband hasn't told me he's gay. I can tell that he is. He continuously denies it but I wish he would just admit it and make it easier on all of us. I have assured him that I would be understanding of this, by dropping little hints here and there, but he doesn't take the bait. I don't think it's because he's dense either. Actually, I'm starting to get a little fed up.

Jay said...

Simon,

I was initially going to post about what a coward you were being, how much you were hurting your wife and family by posting all of this on the 'net instead of telling them.

I was initially going to rant and rave that if you had any hope of being happy, that you had to "be a man", so to speak, and take responsibility for yourself and face your fears.

I was initially going to scream at the top of my lungs that, if nothing else, you had to do it now, for the good of your wife. Whether she leaves you or not, this is her life too, and you are depriving her of her right to live it.

I was going to, but I didn't. You knew all that, didn't you. You don't need me or anyone else to tell you.

Also, I'm gay too, and I remember coming out. I remember the fear of telling my close family. I remember expecting to be kicked out of the house. I remember preparing myself to lose all of my friends. I didn't have monkeys to worry about, but I had my own reasons for being petrified. I never forgot what that felt like. I was ashamed, scared, sick even. I know what you are going through.

So, instead, I'm here to offer my support. I agree with pretty much the rest of the group, you are a courageous man. I am proud of you for doing what needed to be done. Many men wouldn't have the guts and would continue hurting the ones they love thinking and hoping it would all go away.

It's also wonderful that you are writing this all down for others to see. Hopefully, it will make things easier for the next guy in your situation if he understands there are others out there like him.

Don't expect everything to be easy. You may not have had the explosion you feared, but I assure you, your wife is hurting, and she is going to have some hard questions for you, and probably say some things you'd rather not hear. But, they need to be said, by and for both of you, before you can move on.

I can only say that I hope for the best for you and your family. It may not turn out the way you expected, but with that much love lying around, I suspect you all will live through it.

Don't know you from Adam, but all my love and support goes out to you and your wife.

Oh, and welcome to the family.

Jay

Anonymous said...

Simon:
If you haven't already, you should read "badgers hole in the wall." He's two years on from where you are today.

Anonymous said...

I wish you well, Simon. I'll say a little prayer for you today. For strength, support, and peace of mind.

J. said...

I wish you well, Simon. I'll say a little prayer for you today. For strength, support, and peace of mind.

Shaun said...

Hey Simon,

I went through a lot of the same things 4 years ago - minus the wife and kids. I was 29 at the time, youth pastor at my church, son of a Christian, non-denominational pastor. The road was often hard, at times unbearable, but I wouldn't go back or change a thing. Life is much better lived openly and freely. For me, there were losses along the way, but they are bearable. The gains have far outweighed the losses. I wish you the best.

Tuna Girl said...

I know form my own experience that it can be very difficult for a spouse to read a blog for the first time, no matter what the situation.

Alan said...

Congrats. I think you're doing something really important. You're correct, there aren't many examples out there to follow of people who have made it work over the long haul, but perhaps you don't need examples...perhaps you'll be more successful working this out between the two of you.
Good for you...and good for her being so supportive.

Steve in DC said...

Simon,

Congratulations on your coming out. Your story has been very interesting.

Having gone through a similar time in my life, I'd like to share some insight into how other people react.

Your wife is probably numb. Whatever she does or says for the time being has nothing to do with how she actually feels, how she'll ultimately feel and how things will eventually work out.

From her point of view, the guy she was married to a couple of days ago is gone. There is now a stranger in the house. For now, she'll think you took him away from her. Eventually, she'll catch on to the fact that he didn't, in fact, exist.

My guess is that you think that you know how you want things to work out, based upon how you think things are supposed to work out. I have a feeling things will turn out quite differently for you. They'll probably go in a direction you don't think you want them to go. However, you're not going to be disappointed.

You seem to perceive that your wife is going through some kind of catharsis, as if, for her, this is some kind of relationship-strengthening experience. Coming out to her was definitely something that needed to be done, and there's no gentle way to do it. Although you were considerate, she's been sucker-punched. In your marriage, at this moment, things aren't about you and about how wonderful it is that you've shared this important part of yourself with your wife--it's about the fact she's just gotten a shock. She's got a lot to work out, and you're not the one to help her with that.

I'm not trying to criticize you, just trying to give you a heads up.

Ridor said...

>>Anonymous said...

Donnie said:

happened to me about 10 years ago. but she asked. i'm now living with my first teen-age lover. best to you with this...<<

It is amazing that nobody condemned this guy. This is a pervert -- a pedophile! EWW, SICK PERVERT!

R-