Saturday, February 12, 2005

On The Brink

My mom rocks. I don't know why I was worried about telling her. Correction, I do know. If my writing seems sufficient enough, then inversely my speech suffers at times. Especially in the form of confessionals and explanations. I'm simply not adept at self defense utilizing rhetoric and words. Essentially, I haven't ever HAD to defend myself that way. My actions usually speak for themselves.

She recalled when I was in high school we watched a movie called The Sum Of Us (I believe it had Russell Crowe in it). It was about a young gay man and his straight dad each looking for respective mates. I had become severely flustered and fidgety while watching it, and when the romantic scenes came about, I promptly feigned that I needed to be somewhere else in a hurry. I had forgotten about that. It's a prime example of my forced rejection of "that kind" of lifestyle for the first 25 years or so of my life. Maybe I'll go find that movie now and watch it on purpose.

My sis is great to. She's the kind of soul that will give you a hug and kick your butt all in the same moment. Yes, I got beat up by my little sister. Frequently. Man, could she bite. And scratch. But, I don't have any battle scars to speak of so I was just being a big baby. I despised fighting back anyway. The women in my life are all significantly stronger than I am. Even at their low points, they still have the gumption to help me on my path.

I've told a few close friends at work now as well. I'm discovering that there is nothing to be afraid of. The fear is slowly being dispersed.

It's the rest of the family I have to watch out for. I haven't told anyone yet who has inherent adverse reactions to such things. My dad will be the most difficult. Even harder than my wife. And I've come to be extremely close with her family. My mom and dad-in-law are two of the most amazing people I know. They are all compassionate enough, but that sense of compassion is coupled with a strong sense of life long, faith based responsibility. I don't think I need to explain to visitors here how easy it is to get on the bad side of individuals who lose themselves in narrow-minded diatribes.

I can feel it creeping up. It's going to pounce with the ferocity of a caged cat. I feel like Atreyu about to confront the Morg. It's following me at a breath's distance and the feral air is making my muscles cringe. At this same time last week, I had not even an inkling I'd be attempting this. I was content to be swept away by the Nothing. By this time next week, maybe I'll be able to see the gleam from the Ivory Tower.

I've been reminded that Monday is Valentine's Day. Screw your courage to the sticking place. So to speak. That's all I have to say about that.



sis. said...

hey bro. i never meant to be the violent type. but i guess that's just the way i am. you know i'm always there, to give you hugs and kick your butt. speaking of movies, have you ever seen "but i'm a cheerleader" ? it's awesome. they send the kids off to rehab camp, to teach them the proper way of being good straight boys and girls. and the boys all have to wear blue, and the girls all have to wear pink. meanwhile, they're all checking each other out.
so, maybe getting married and having kids was not the best decision a person ever made, but neither was making dubya the president... but what's done is done, and as long as you're alive there's still time to fix it. the shit's bound to hit the fan, but hell, we're all used to a bit of fecal discomfort. (that's a joke so laugh already!)
i know this next week is going to be rough, and i can't really do anything to help. but my thoughts are with you and the family and well... atreyu didn't give up, even in the swamp of sadness, when he lost artex, he didn't give up ever, and bastian finally made things right in the end...

rich said...

good luck to you simon. you are a brave man and your story is inspiring.

"the" Mrs. Astor said...

As usual, Simon, I'm speechless; but I have to say something: You are obviously a man of great credit to get a response like that from your sister (what a girl; I'm going to contract her for my eulogy). And, you are obviously stronger than you let on; what you are going through is more than most men could enunciate. My thoughts, as always, are with you.

ElScooby said...

Whomever said " The only thing we have to fear is, fear itself " never had to muster the courage to do what you are doing. As your eeeevil sister said, we can't help you, but we can hope for you. Best of luck.

Anonymous said...

You'll find most people are pretty cool with it since they either don't know you enough to care, or know you too well and figured it out on their own.

Every once in a while someone will surprise you and just freak out about it and you'll lose a few friends. I have never figured out why it happens, but it does. Sucks, but you'll see it's probably best that way.

If they don't love you for who you are then there's no point in keeping them around.

Just don't be too fast to write someone off if they flip out. Some people just need time to let it sink in.

Daniel (www)