Sunday, January 09, 2005


So here we go.

Here's the basics: I'm an average 27 year old, middle class, white, married guy with a wonderful wife, two kids, a house, all the debt that goes with it, a decent paying job, getting by in an average existance. My family is happy and healthy so for all intents and purposes I should be a happy fella. But there's one more thing, stop me if you've heard this one before: I'm gay and nobody knows it.

So why stay in the closet?

Why does anyone keep these things a secret. Well, besides a current socially and politically charged climate towards being gay in the good 'ol USA, here's a bit of personal history: I think I've been gay for most of my life. I grew up in a non-denominational Christian church and was always taught that homosexuality is an abomination. So, from early on I was taught to reject what I was. A testament to the power of instilling beliefs in children at a young age if ever there was one. I no longer believe in that narrow path but the fear still carries on to this day. When I first began to question everything I also fell in to a depression so great that it shut me down physically and mentally. Nothing mattered anymore.

When I met my wife I was at the end of my rope. Ready to throw in the towel and just drift off into hopelessness for eternity. I didn't know who I was or what I was doing. (I guess I am also melodramatic sometimes.) She was an old high school friend and she brought me out of doldrums into a brighter life. And so, I thought, why not get married. Besides being my wife, she's also my best friend. Then we had kids, and now we are a team to the end.

So, why hide my sexuality? Now is not the time for selfishness. I now have people who depend on me for their livlihood and I must follow through on that no matter what. My survival instincts as the leader of my pack have kicked in and I must act responsibly to them first and foremost. To throw this wrench into the works would be...a really bad idea.

It is truly difficult sometimes but, I think, I have learned that when you are attached to a person long enough, love will transcend gender. For me, the sex just falls into place after that. I give her what she needs and she gives back as best she can. Don't get confused, I'm not bisexual either, when it comes to pure lust the male species is what turns me on and gets me off. I'll probably revisit this more at length when I can figure out myself but that's my story right now. Perhaps someday when the time is right, I'll reveal all these things to the ones I love, but right now it would cause too much pain and confusion. Thus my secret life. I'm sure if you dig deep enough you've got your secrets, too...

Now, I don't feel like I'm the "blogging" type. I don't think my life is that interesting and my writing skills are nothing special. So why did I finally break down and do this?

A few reasons come to mind. First off, I've kept this side of me out of the picture for so long, it's about time I had a public outlet before I do anything drastically stupid. These things can have a pressure cooker affect, but this is as close and safe to "out" as I can possibly think to be. And, yes, I am sure that if someone really wants to figure out who I am they could do it, it is the internet after all. But that's the way things go and I'll reach that threshold when or if I come to it.

After discovering other blogs I realized I'm not alone. People use these to bounce ideas off each other, support each other in times of strife. Blow off some steam with as silent an audience as you feel fit. There are people out there who actually give a damn. Which is as far away from my state of mind as possible. So there must be something to this blogging thing. Right now it's a lazy Sunday afternoon and I'm already feeling a little better that I've gotten this far. This may not last forever but I can't be blamed for giving it a sporting chance.