Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Flight Manual

EVERYDAY
Backyard. After school.
Receive instruction from pilot.
"Daddy, daddy, com'ere, com'ere, com'ere. I have a idea. Now turn around. NO no no! Not that way. The other way. No. Daddy what's wrong with you? Okay, now ready?"
Latch monkey onto back. Check for death grip around neck. Prepare for departure.

--FIRST--
"OK now go truck go!"
ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Maniacal laughter ensues. Watch small animals fear for their lives.

--OFTEN--
"Now up dere!"
shwoooof...sputter sputter...Nyeeeeerrr..
Turn truck into plane at a moments notice.

-ALSO--
"Go dat way!"
rrr..rrr...rrrr...screech!
Monkeys aren't the best pilots.

--EVENTUALLY--
"Aw man!"
Zippp..shzerp.
Drop monkey back at the depot.

--THEN--
"Daddy, daddy, com'ere. I have a idea..."
Refuel for further expeditions.

YESTERDAY
Backyard. After school.
Repeat standard operating procedure.

--BUT--
rrr..rrr...rrrr...screech!
...
*trip*
...
Watch monkey fly in slow motion after they've hit the ejector seat. Lose glasses. Eat dirt.

--ALAS--
Flooosh...tumble tumble...
Lie in wet leaves.

--FINALLY--
Blink...blink...blink
"Again!"
Frantically search for glasses before monkey steps on them.

--SO--
Apparently I should have my license revoked. But it seems I've been let off the hook. As for the daredevil? Not even a scratch.

Peace,
Simon

9 comments:

Larry said...

I think airplanes are supposed to *retract* their landing gear when they take off :)

But at least your precious cargo made it through OK!

Ms. S'ghetti said...

Arent children supposed to buckle up for safety?

You should consider installing a carseat on your back.

Tuna Girl said...

Oh ACK! I've had these sorts of things happen to me so many times. Well, except that one time I dunked him in a toilet and he busted open his face.

Now that's some good guilt, right there! ;-)

David said...

I think I'm in love. Me next! Me next!

yo' sistah said...

thanks for sharing bro. i needed a good laugh...! : )

Alan said...

In the event of a water landing, can the seat cushion be used as a floatation device?

Flip said...

Simon,

This is an amazingly insightful account of the experience of parenthood.

In case you haven't already discovered, once the parenthood license is issued it may be suspended, but it is never revoked. And the good news is that no matter how rough the ride, the daredevil usually escapes unscathed. As for the pilot? Well, maintain that appetite for dirt.

Cheers.

Flip

Flip

Anonymous said...

You're a great dad. I keep up with your blog now and then. Good going man.

Rob [Three Year Sentence (defunct)]

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