Sunday, March 06, 2005

Time For A Change

Tonight, I am alone in my house. It's not the first time, however, my wife and monkeys will be sleeping under another familiar roof from this day forward.

We told our sons this morning what would be happening, so they didn't start freaking out that their bed and dresser full of clothes were being expelled into the wilderness. Elder Monkey J was not really puzzled and actually a little excited, because it's not someplace new, it's "Grandma and Grandpa's? I'll be sleeping there? All the time? Really?" But, somehow I expected this. I am glad of all places they have somewhere to go that is still a loving home that is a comfortable house. Younger Monkey GB could care less about where he is right now, just that he's got food and his toys to terrorize. Plus there is Noggin and Finding Nemo on a gigantic widescreen TV so who wouldn't want to live there.

The rest of the family (on her side) is having a birthday party this evening, but I won't be going with them. That's okay though. It's the first gathering since all this went down and I suppose there is a certain "protocol" in order when this kind of thing happens. Just like my unrealistic desire for us to still live together, I don't wonder what is going through anyone's particular thoughts anymore, but my dad-in-law sure seems like he's gotten some grey hairs I never saw before in the last week. My own dad is very hard to read right now, he and his wife come over and help out watching the boys, but I can't tell what he's thinking at all. It's like talking to someone in a state of waking sleep. Here's hoping I can venture forth as a helper, like I used to be at the beginning of our married relationship, and not a hinderance.

Oh, yeah. The first thing I did tonight when I got home. Turned the oven on to make some dinner and forgot there were dishes that were hidden inside about a week ago until we could get to washing them. I probably lost some minutes off my life from those fumes. I can't even tell what it was. In it's place is now a technicolor blob that has successfully melded through the grates to cause some kind of monstrous plastic pop art gone wrong. The blender was in there too, but it's plastic parts were constructed of sterner stuff and is still in working order. (Yay!)

So now I am sitting here in the early evening, staring out the open door and windows, feeling a breeze that is hopefully carrying away the rotten odors of stinking cookware and singed lives out into the atmosphere. It reminds me of the day I started writing this blog. The weather was very much the same, the same lazy attitude that seeped through, and the same sun warming the afternoon.

This makes me ponder the fate of this blog. Things moved much, much faster than I ever anticipated they would. Do I continue under this title or do I begin again without the "secret" alias to hide behind. The only thing that is hidden anymore is the name by which I am more commonly known. There is a certain romantic quality to having a pen name and I do have some sentimental attachment now. But I was reading through the last few weeks, all those days charged with uncertain emotion and was struck by some of my delusions. Most of all, how could I have ever thought that we would logically stay together? Perhaps it is best to consider a redesign to this thing at the very minimum. I'll have to dwell on that one...

As I finish writing this, my wife called to tell me everything was good at the party. They all loved the guacamole I made for them, which is more than likely their special way of saying "We don't hate you!" aside from the fact that they all have an affinity for good food. And I bade my monkeys good night for the evening with as boisterous a voice as I could muster. Silly monkeys, go to bed.

Peace,
Simon

P.S. Since I was quite physically ill earlier this week (and just a bit mentally exhausted), the post preceding this one is my valid attempt at something more interesting than l what I really wanted to write at the time: "I am sick and have puked out all the food I ate yesterday and am fighting a fever and I think I maybe had some whey/egg/soy protein powder that was rancid and tasted like puke which might have caused the after-puke and it's freaking cold and rainy outside so I'm in malfunction mode all day and don't you feel sorry for me now. Have a nice appetizing day." Of course, i think some of you actually like that sort of thing, who knows. :)

10 comments:

sis. said...

i like the puking. it makes for funny ha-ha stories. right up there with the, "remember that time i peed my pants right in the middle of class in 3rd grade" stories... ; )

Signalite said...

You weren't supposed to TELL anybody about that! Besides it was a really long bus trip...and everybody only thought it was rotten fish.

Anonymous said...

I seldom post comments on blogs as I am not sure how they are received. Does it help to hear when someone you knows so much about you but whom you do not know comments on your lfe? However, I was affected by your post and it bought back memories of the time I told my young boys that I was moving out in somewhat similar circumstances. That was several years ago this month but my experience has been that if you strive to stay a part of their lives you can make it work.

matt said...

it sounds like you've made a lot of progress. i was pretty baffled by your outlook when i first started reading a few weeks ago, but these things take time, i spose. you've been on something of a crash course, and it sounds like you're doing as well as can be expected. all the best...

Signalite said...

Thanks matt, It certainly has been a reality check above all other things.

ken said...

Simon, I really have come to enjoy and respect your journey. Thanks for sharing with us. All the best.

Brian said...

If you reveal your identity, you'll lose your chance to become a crime-fighting gay superhero.

But if you do, at least wait until sweeps. The network brass will love you for it.

Joseph said...

The most amazing thing about your blog is how rational, calm, and introspective you are, even as you go through such incredibly difficult things. Thank you for sharing that with us.

Greg said...

Simon,
I'm so impressed with you and this journey that you're taking. I want to thank you for sharing such deep, intimate feelings with us.

Your last entry made me a bit sad because I was struck by a feeling that you are alone with all this. I felt similarly when I first came out. I didn't have any gay friends to support me and figure the whole thing out. I was really left with this feeling of "OK, now that I'm out, what do I do now?"

I hope that that isn't the case for you. That you feel alone with no one to support you. But if it is, there are tons of people out there who would love to be there for you.

Signalite said...

Thanks for the love guys. I'm trying my best not to be a howling fool.