Thursday, March 31, 2005

The Art of Hypnosis

Today I've spent most of the day planning the upcoming project I'll be involved in at work. It's a beast and I have no budget or time to work with. But that sounds about right. I basically pushed everything off my desk except for a calendar and started marking like there was no tomorrow (although according to what's been set before me there are at least 12 or more months left). It's quite intimidating to see an entire year of your life sprawled out before you in a calculated chunk. I just wish it was a guarantee of employment for that long. I considered taking a cue from If Lucy Fell and painting a giant monthly countdownon the walls of my office, just so I'll always have the reminder blaring at me from all sides to stay on task. Course, the aesthetic of thick dark lines arranged like in modular fashion are are probably just asking for some bouts of jail-cell-vertigo.

I suppose I no longer have faith in the long term side of things. Events can happen that change your course at the drop of a dime. It's that ability to roll with it that I am lacking. So far my track record for finishing epic scale missions is abysmal. I like small events that I can finish in less than a day and see the results. But I rarely get those. Which is, I figure, a benefit of blogging. At least if I write about not accomplishing much that day...I've done at least as much as think about not doing much. Right? Bueller?

In other trivial news, Sayonara, Jessica. I certainly didn't expect it yet, but it's not surprising.

I could probably easily crush on the cute guy at Subway today. Soft spoken and a face good enough to reach over the counter and give him a kiss. But just on the cheek. Because he was extra nice. See what good customer service will get you? Um, a stalk..I mean..a happy customer. I'll just file him away under things that are adept at handling my sandwich. I'm also now beginning to notice other small things, like killer smiles and eyes worthy of daydreaming about. Ah, well. Perhaps something to look forward to in the far future. I've got other things to worry about right now.

I'm still having psychotic and vivid dreams. They aren't really nightmares, I'm not really petrified when i awake. Just feels like I haven't slept yet. I guess this is a form of internal payback. I am having an extremely difficult time getting over the fact that, I am still deeply attached to my wife. I have no other explanation for all the massive confusion that causes a unyielding ache in my chest. Does it really matter in the end what my sexual orientation is, that I am gay, if I am in love with someone who I fit with regardless of their gender? People learn to love each other all the time in impossible situations. It's the basis for the worst kind of tragedy but if in the end it all amounts to nothing, so what? I'd be lying if I said I hadn't considered repressing it, going back to my closet and slamming the door again.

But the fact is, my lifestyle has a new pattern set in motion. Now that she does know I can't go back. If I look back now I risk the same demise as Lot's wife. Don't ever get involved with me. I guarantee it will not only break your heart and mine, but also stomp them into a mushy substance that could be used to lube your car.

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Anonymous said...

Simon - please don't be so hard on yourself. What you're feeling (and as a possible result, having such dreams) is all about your honest heart and a wounded soul. But you'll make it through. This is a difficult time of transition and change that will take a while. Maybe a long while. But it will get better. Please know that carrying such guilt on your shoulders is being very unfair to yourself - you simply don't deserve such self-infliction. Hold your head up high and continue forward on your path, and know that we're out here supporting you.

Carl Holiday said...

As much as the closet beckons, it is much better to be out in the light than hiding in an imaginary world. You will always have a special place in your heart for your wife, as you have for the children both of you brought into this world. Remember the good times both of you enjoyed, but you're now being true to yourself and you will find love again.

James Brookstone Mathers, II said...


I happened upon your blog while looking for people with a shared interest in Andrew Bird. I am going to have to dedicate some time to reading your story. You're invited to read mine. You may be interested because we're both gay men married to wonderful straight women, and—while my wife and I entered marriage long ago with full awareness of my sexual proclivities—you and I are both grappling with the confusing fact that we love our wives. My entries are sprawling and verbose, so you'll need to weed through the blather to find the corrollaries.

Whatever the case, I wish you well in your quest for identity and I look forward to hearing how things work out for you.

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