Monday, August 29, 2005

Stormy Thoughts

Dear New Orleans,

I am so truly sorry for sending the the hurricane in your direction. I know it's selfish and caused millions of dollars worth of damage but after your relatives barreled through last summer, I was under strict instructions by higher powers (the mother of my children) to make sure my son had his birthday party this year without interference. Please know that I wasn't aiming for you specifically it was just more of a general deflection in self defense. I'd send you some leftover cake but I'm thinking you aren't in the mood for remnants of a party about now.

Overall he had a great day birthday and really he would have run circles around you anyway.

----------------------------

Every time there is a hurricane lately I think about how Storm from the X-Men has the most improbable powers. I mean, that's just not fair. If you control the weather..you can basically manipulate the physical universe. Of course that arch-villain Magneto can do that too I suppose. I think I just can't relate with mutants who seem more godlike in their abilities as opposed to those with powers limited to use of their bodies. Although, since being a mere human, I'll never be able to bamf, snikt, phoom or blink energy out of my various orifices anyway. But I digress.

I'm just glad I'm not in her shoes, because first of all I don't think I'd make a good looking drag queen in silver white hair but I'd also be under this self-imposed obligation 24/7 to make sure everyone on the planet isn't dying from tsunamis, heat waves or ice storms. Who's got time to be in a movie when you're off making sure people don't get lifted off to Oz with the cows.

Although it would have been nice to have her around about now. Please don't think I'm making light of the situation, the folly of this mere mortal mind simply takes over sometimes.

I could see it now, Ororo vs. Katrina bitch slapping it out in the Gulf of Mexico. I'm not talking about wispy Halle-Berry-Storm here, more like Grace-Jones-mohawk-leather Storm that should be able to just look at you and you understand that "Sure I could pelt your ass with hailstones but I'd rather drive my nine-inch high heels in your rectum if you don't git. Ho."

While I'm on the topic of forces of destruction, I called home tonight to see how Younger Monkey did back at school today after last week's flying train fiasco. All seemed well, his fellow classmates spared his wrath. Which makes me able to sleep at night. And hopefully he as well.

The scene from ace reporter Elder Monkey over at Kindergarten Action News, informs us that a girl at lunch threw up all her chicken nuggets. These are the things he chooses to tell us about. We aren't sure if he still has a substitute teacher but, by god, we know about the vomit. I need a Cerebro-like device so I can sit at my command station here at work and psychically scan his mind, like Professor X.

Except, see I do have mutant abilities, I can make my brain freeze whenever I drink a smoothie too fast. I wonder if frozen brains absorb the flavor of whatever you're drinking. I can see it now, return of the Zombie Ice-Cream Man, Get your icey pop brains on a stick! Now in the new whipped, soft serve variety! I'll have mango-peach, please.

All the mutants I want to be have bad hair (or in this case no hair). Don't even get me started on the flea and mange issues that Beast must have going on. Although I must say I've had Wolverine's hair on more than one occasion, so I feel for the follically challenged Canuck. And retractable claws might come in handy but I'm afraid I'd kill myself while picking my nose. Who am I kidding, I'm pretty sure every gay man wants to be Colossus anyway...

Right, so since this turned into a ridiculous X-Men comparison, whose role would you fill? I've been out of the loop so try not to confuse me with talk about characters past say 1995.

Peace,
Simon

6 comments:

rich said...

so many things to say... but there are kids reading.

and to answer you last question - Iceman.

Michael said...

I don't know about every gay man wanting to be Colossus. I think I'd pick Magneto, or perhaps Sunfire's powers.

(Jean Gray's powers would be best, except for that whole *girl* bit, and dying alot).

Signalite said...

Rich: There are kids reading? Uh-oh.

Michael: Okay, okay, I was probably thinking of the guy at the gym who looks like Colossus. Who probably is not gay but still...

Billy said...

I want cake! I don't know who I would pick.

David Quinn said...

Where is my cake?

Joe said...

I love Storm! I'd never think of Grace Jones as Storm, but it does make more sense then Halle...she's just too "safe".

I'd be the male equivalent of Storm. I think she rocks.

Joe.