Never A Typical Tuesday

I shoulda been a weatherman. I don't even have to look outside. Yesterday's slow fog in my mind seems to have extended to the weather today, since it was the worst overcast day in quite some time. I didn't even step foot into the daylight, or lack thereof, until around noon, but I didn't have to since I could just tell by my inability to do anything at work with any kind of efficiency. Whenever it's overcast, all the little particles of the atmosphere conspire to use psychic vibrations all pointed at my skull.The only thing worse is when it's overcast AND muggy.

My office also happens to be the hottest office in the building. (Not just because yours truly is working in there, silly.) This is probably a point of debate since the office next to mine used to hold the record. I'll just say I work with a few large lads that when put together in tiny rooms are capable of raising the temperature a few degrees. Now that El Scooby works with me, I'm pretty sure ours gets the toastiest.

The heat has never bothered me before. In fact given the choice I will usually sleep with just a fan in the summertime. Partially because I am a cheapskate and refuse to pay an electric bill in the triple digits, but mainly because I am a summer boy and do in fact prefer the heat. That being said, my bedroom is just like me; a land of extremes that changes with the wind. And it's currently set to broil in my bedroom. The kind of hot where I'm wearing a wool sweater and sandwiched between two llamas while someone is slathering my forehead with bacon grease. Yet strangely, I'm only in my undies.

And when it's not hot it's extremely frigid. Since I had to get up at 6 this morning I actually put the AC on to see if that might let me get through the night and stifle these freaky dreams that cause me to turn the alarm clock off in my sleep. Well, there were in fact no freaky dreams, only because I woke up every hour on the hour trying to configure the right combination of comforter, sheet and pillow to effectively get to sleep again. So I woke up around 4:30 and just went to work. I'm a little tired.

What a wretched, wasted work day. The kind where every five minutes I have to use a diversionary tactic to tell myself I'll get back to work right after this short commercial break. More than likely it's a very loud song through my headphones or a trip to the fridge where I realize there's nothing I should be eating in there.

They've come to fix the air vent to our office more times than I can count but it never has worked. I think my affliction has developed in my mind now that I have an officemate who reminds me every day about how hot it is. I don't really feel like getting involved in the war of the thermostat at work, one person turns it up the other turns it down, the boss gets all pissy and I just watch it all happen from my hotbox since the thing is right outside my door. I have enough observations at work now that I certainly will be writing a comic strip about it someday, I swear.

OK, I'm trying to think of one positive thing that happened today to balance all this bitchiness out. Hmmm...hold on it's coming...umm. I don't live in Iraq? Does that work?

On top of not making it to the gym, I had fast food not once but twice today. Somehow I ended up at Burger King with a friend (he offered to pay and I'm poor) and got a chicken salad. The chicken came in what was labeled "Hot Meat In A Pouch". Excuse me for a moment while I go poo somethin' fierce.

I'd say that since it is Tuesday, my usual night out with the monkeys and that should be my pick-me-up, but dear god, can I have a little cheese with that whine. I'd say it must be something they fed them today but I packed their lunches last night so that would be own fault.

Since the weather effectively short circuited my brain and sucked the life force out of me today, I didn't go to the gym. Which is especially bad because I didn't make it yesterday either. And I always go on Tuesday with the boys. They usually look forward to it. Instead I picked them up from daycare, came home and took all my willpower not to pass out on the couch, lest I awaken to a yet again trashed house. For old times sake. (Although it's STILL not cleaned up so I don't know what I was worried about.)

I knew I was in for it when they took off in opposite directions and neither would listen to get into the car. Then Monkey No.1 proceeded to think that every time I said "no" it meant "ok" and he would do it anyway. No you cant play video games, no you can't jump off the couch, no you can't push the big red button, etc.

My worst moment today was having to raise my voice to Monkey No. 1 for doing the usual things that five year olds do. I don't remember what it was for. I do remember he even said please. And that he was a little shaken. And that I felt terrible. I'm obviously not in the right frame of mind for this and I should just take them home but...I stopped and reminded myself. Tonight is my wife's night without the boys so she can have some alone time. It's the least I can do for her.

So we went to find some grub. Everywhere I suggested was a negative and all Monkey No. 1 wanted was McDonald's, KFC, Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. I was so hungry and unwilling to battle anymore that I broke down and went to Checkers. Cheeseburgers and fries. The sustenance of couch potato warriors and exhausted parents. I could just donkey punch myself for that.

Bathtime was alright, and I let them soak a bit longer than usual until they were reenacting King Kong vs. Godzilla* and causing tidalwaves to come crashing into my crossword puzzle so that was the end of that.

My wife scratched my back for a while sensing that I was really tired and for a moment it felt like I should just sleep here tonight. After all, when you know someone intimately for so long, you do figure out all their weak spots. Then I got soap flung up my nose and snapped back to reality as it was soooo time for bed for all you, naked, hurling monkeys.

My wife has a few guests stop by so I take the boys to their room, read a story, sing a song, and turn out the lights. After all the harsh reactions tonight Monkey No. 1 wants me to sleep in their room. He doesn't want me to go away. So instead of going home, I lie down between their beds resting my head on a fuzzy red chair, like a soldier on guard duty for two princes. I stare up at the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. I feel a bristly mop of hair against my tummy. Both of them are trying to sneak out of their beds and onto me as though I am a more comfy mattress. Monkey No.1 always goes to sleep quick enough, but Monkey No.2 must have night in his veins. It's been a major problem trying to get him to go to sleep before 10 or later even though he is always down at 8:30. Somehow my being there at least keeps him in his bed. In truth, I'd do this every night if I could.

I drift off until my wife awakens me. Monkey No. 2 is still awake but hopefully calm enough now. I even missed the last American Idol performances and I don't even care.

I decide to pack their lunches again before I go. In each of their lunchboxes I draw on their napkin, one a sun with crown, one a moon with a curl, each with a wink and smile and a note reminding them that "Love you, Dad." I doesn't matter that they can't read yet.

I notice my crossword puzzle has dried and all at once every answer flows out like I wasn't even reading the clues before. Here's hoping that there is such a bike as a TANDEM.

It is still strange to say good bye to my wife every night and go to an empty house.

As I go to bed now, my mind is clear again. I've gotten it all out and hopefully I will rest. Tomorrow, another rotation, another chance.

Peace,
Simon

* On a totally unrelated piece of geekery my asian cinema guru enlightened me that the actual title is King Kong vs. Godzilla, which is a big deal since every other movie is Godzilla vs. (Insert Monster of the Month Here). I suspect it must be because the crazy monkey probably pitched a diva fit to his agent for first billing whereas Godzilla would never think to be so crass.