Friday, November 03, 2006


Somewhere between my early childhood and now, I abandoned the notion of god.

Adam has posted some videos regarding the latest dysfunctional relationship between religion and science. I went to write a comment there about all of this and try as I might to be clear and concise, I am caught once again in my spin cycle of wanting be spiritual, yet not believing in a spirit or a soul. Wishing for that union of what we think we feel and what is actual.

I highly respect anyone that can happily settle on one camp or another, on something called a "truth". Ultimately, it all boils down to the quest for proof and how much we are willing to believe without fully understanding. If endeavoring on that journey is to define whether things like honesty and integrity are worth pursuing, then I am traveling that path in circles. I am in constant contact with those at opposite ends, those who have had an experience that to them qualifies as god at work and those who are succint in proving this to be a random incident. Either way, isn't is about accepting which of those ways is acceptable?

While redefining this perspective is one of the most valuable things I think I've done as an adult, I wish above all, I knew how to get out of that perpetual depression that comes from it. I know that it must be a necessity otherwise we would not have joyful times to balance it out. But it still saps the life from me.

I watch as how those around me who are looking for a purpose either flounder with apathy or blaze headstrong with conviction. The battlefield of intellectual warfare rarely brings me any conclusion or solace when it comes to all those so called higher things. I would like to think I am not ignorant. I would to think I am a rational being working towards the ends that should be met. And yet, I never know the definition of a given truth.

For whatever reason, it is unrelenting. The more I think, the more I withdraw, the more I fail. The more I act on impulse, the more my senses become alive, the more I progress. So I tip that balance that is between them and wait for the next upswing or downfall.

Some let it consume their life, as it did for me once upon a time, to the point of an unresponsive zombie. I wondered why god let it happen. I wondered why man will keep going. I wondered how I came to where I am now. I know about me and it seems that's the best I can do.

Now if you'll excuse me, the only wonder that I wish to have tonight is the kind where I marvel at the fact that I can play games with my children, call my mom, eat my dinner. And tell people I love them even though I don't have to know what that means.

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