Saturday, March 04, 2006

Love Letter

Dearest,

I know we've been separated by recent circumstances. I know our relationship was very superficial at its best. Forces were pulling us apart and I decided to end it when I did out of necessity.

But you see, I've been yearning for you lately. I remember the good times we had back then, the late nights, as I explored you and discovered what you had to offer. You were smooth and fast but I didn't mind. After all who wants the piss-water down here once you've tasted nectar from Olympus.

The one who I've found on the rebound to fill your place, has all the abilities you did but it's as graceful as humping a sloth. The type that kindly brings me my mail, but won't let me send anything out of jealousy. Rudely interrupting my conversations with friends so many times that I can't even count. I won't even go into the teasing with promises of movies and music that end in frustration.

But I put out nonetheless because I don't really have to pay for it. You always were an expensive bitch.

I'm not really naive, I know how you work. I know you could care less and have moved on. You were only using me for my money anyway. You're really a cold, hard black widow that drops lovers like yesterday's elephant turds. You've many other lovers in the wings, and I am but an atom in that cosmos.

I miss you immensely and I want you back. I have been out and about, having a few flings here and there in those public places where I can get it. But none of them can come home with me. I want our time together. Alone under my own roof.

Oh Hi-Speed Internet, I miss you so. Come back to me, my love and free me of the curse of Dial-Up.

Your Slave,
Simon

10 comments:

Michael said...

Extremely funny!!

Lee said...

LOL! I love it!

Larry said...

Oh the bad memories you just dredged up! I hope you find your much-deserved connection speed!

David said...

Ew, dial-up.

Melissa said...

Dial up?
I think my grandma told me about that, once. That's sort of like 8tracks, right?

Mike said...

Oh so sad, so funny, so true!

yur sis. said...

hey now,
don't be raggin' on sloths!
they're cute and cuddly and only come down from the trees every 3 days to take a poop. and sometimes they even swim!
plus, they've just discovered a new pygmy sloth off the coast of panama that is 6.5 lbs and has a mullet. so yeah.

Anonymous said...

Bagggh. Disappointed.

Ms. S'ghetti said...

I am cackling in delight...

Brad said...

O, Simon how I yearn for thee and thy voice. Hope you and your monkeys are well.