Wednesday, March 29, 2006

I Make Girls Cry

I once wrote a note on my door in college that read something to the effect of "Yes, I am in here. Don't waste your time. Please go away."


For the moment, I've figured out some things.

I've determined that I possess a strong, unexplainable force that I am coining as anti-gaydar. It is a two-fold technique that allows one to crush on extremely unavailable straight men from afar while simultaneously repelling anyone who might be interesting and fabulous. As all you gay boys tend to think you are. But often fail miserably at.

I've determined that I don't want to date. I have no patience for any of you who wish to "date". I know this not because I have any experience in dating but because I cannot read your mind and I expect you to tell me things. I have no need for frivolous or facetious remarks. I'm not smart enough to read signals so don't even try. Don't slip your snark or your sarcasm into me. I will bite it off at the shaft and leave you with a bloody stump.

I've determined that there's a reason people hang out with others their age. The only people, who ever approach me are the loud, witless and old. Late 40's up. Way up. I'd say, no offense to those of you that are but I probably don't mean it. Let me be perfectly clear to all you skanky, old beach dwellers with "zest for life" that smell like hemorrhoid products and saltwater that I will take your cocks and fry them to a shriveled crisp under a magnifying glass in the sun to match the rest of you if you hit on me. I don't like you because I expect to end up like you later in life. I'm not a toy.

I've determined that I drown myself in work so I don't have to say I'm available to do "fun" things. I've determined that this course will bring me to a lonely life and hopefully a heart attack at 30. I'm not husband material. I am father to more people than just my own children and I don't have time for your contemptuous feelings of "love". And your point is?

I've determined that I don't have a sex drive. It disappeared. Like a magic trick gone wrong. I've also determined that I don't care. But there are others who can uphold the veracity of that claim if you know who to ask.

I've determined that I want to fight. I want to use my fists and throw a punch with enough strength to break skulls. I've determined that this is a big lie and that I will keep my kids from doing the same thing.

I've determined that I'm impatient, soulless, asexual, whatever... So until further notice, I give up on the whole social life interaction thing. It doesn't work for me. In the meantime, I am refocusing my few remaining energy cells on other things to do. Not better things, just things I dont have to think about so much.

I like you and I'll gladly as helpful as I can but I don't want to be your friend.


I've determined that I am changed. From a small pile of rubbish lying under the covers in my room who swallowed a bottle of something waiting to die. Instead I am a furnace not be touched. Garbage can heat an entire house in the winter when it's decomposing. I'll give you a smile and a friendly face but the note on my door would now say "Bring it on. I dare you. I'll destroy you."

For the moment.

Kisses and Poison,