Tuesday, January 25, 2005

And what's your name...

I've been a little more active lately in trying to figure out what I like in the realm of men. I'm getting much more courageous. Part of the problem is I have no gay friends in real life, at least not any that I could confide in without disrupting my life. Yes, yes I am a hypcrite, blah blah blah, I'll deal with that later.

I broke down and joined one of those gay personal sites and have been chatting and meeting new people on there. I even posted a few pictures of myself, but then chickened out and took them back down. I'm not comfortable with my own body yet. (Maybe when I get that new six pack from the gym...right.) I'm scared out of my mind to meet any of these people in "real life" though for obvious reasons.

When I explain my situation to fellow closet dwellers they always tell me I'm probably bi. I go back and forth all the time wondering about this. There are a few things I consider. Of all the straight porn I can remember exploring, I always just wanted to see the camera focus on the guys face, his beautiful body and powerful thrusts, and the girl just became a noisy nuisance. Girls simply don't turn me on anymore. They don't enter my fantasies. I don't turn an eye when a lusciously attractive member of the female persuasion passes on by although I still appreciate their beauty in a different, passive way. (I also don't dig effeminate guys, although ironically, I think I may come off to be a bit feminine myself.) And anyways, for years since then, I've only looked for gay porn to get me off. It may also be that I just haven't had any physical contact or felt a connection with another guy yet, in that "I want you, let's hump like rabbits," kind of way. At least none that I am consciously aware of. My radar is awful when it comes to reading those kinds of signals.

On a different matter, I realize now that I utterly despise the project I am in the midst of at work. People around me think it's because of it's subject matter (a catalog of adult material) and me being the good boy I am and all, but obviously it's not the sex that bothers me. It's a knee jerk reaction that I give off that impression because I grew up with it and am used to acting adversely against the "sins" of pornography. As you can see, change doesn't happen easily for me on the surface. I'm pretty sure people don't think of me as a sexual person and probably still associate me with having cooties or something (Eewwww, YOU'RE not supposed to have SEX!). I've got a rep as being the pure one, the one people look to as a pillar of stability in these matters. Truth be told, it's all of us overtly pure people you have to watch out for.

Peace,
Simon

1 comment:

Max said...

It's so bizarre... reading this...

I'm 18, and when I read this, you're so similar to the way I am just in the way you think and describe yourself. If I never came out to anyone (I have though...) and I could project myself 10 years into the future... I wonder how similar my personality and life would be to yours. I'm fascinated by your blog, so I plan on readint the WHOLE thing.

But... seeing how early this entry is, you'll probably never get to read my comment. Oh well...