Monday, June 04, 2007


I have gullible moments. I know this because I bought a security system today that I probably don't need. This happened before with the water softener guy. It's always once they talk about your kids...It's not so much about the money I think, more about, the giving in. Helping out a bro make his sale under the guise of priorities to my loved ones. Let's forget for the moment that I have gone back to drinking bottled water instead of the filtered from my tap, shall we.

But I was chosen you see. I am special. Only five houses in the area to get it for free, he said. "He" being rather amiable and the "free" being the equipment and installation, an 1800 dollar value dontchaknow! After I sign up for the monthly charges of course. And the three year contract. And when I put the little sign outside my house so the neighbors can easily know, upon their evening walks down the street, who to lynch for sending other solicitors to their door with a "recommendation from your neighbor." I didn't recommend anyone but now they have my name to bandy about.

I can see it now. The little black octagon is my new pink triangle. "There he is! It's always the flamer with the screaming monkeys! We'll just see how safe he is. Let's wait in the bushes so we can chastise him with insults and pooper scooper remnants!"

I'm not feeling too guilty about it. I was in fact randomly thinking about it the other day--how easy it is to break into my house. I've had my share of long nights when my wife would grip me when fear was gripping her that a stranger was among us. It's amazing how a blanket can turn from feathers to titanium when there may be something lurking on the other side.

I've also had first hand experience shoving various small people through windows I pried open with only my fingernails. Although it's more hinderance than heroism to The Elder Monkey. Also, while more compact and agile, you don't send in the Younger Monkey lest you wait for him to watch a movie before unlocking the door. And a snack. And prayed that I did not leave peanut butter in the open.

So while my options weren't easy, when I've given the break-in a try, if I substitute myself with a person more focused and desperate, it's not exactly a boost to peace of mind to see how easy it is. I know that no one is truly safe, even with a blaring alarm. We could all be toast tomorrow or fish food the next. Perhaps when the dinosaurs come back in their spaceship to restore order, we'll be put back in our place. We'll go back to helping each other survive instead of stealing trivialities.

But for now the deed is done, the keypad installed high from wandering monkey fingers, the secret codes in place. Now, should unsuspecting vagrants brave a forced entry, instead of the previous method of just breaking their neck/being impaled/putting an eye out on the obstacle course directly in front of entranceways, they'll have the added joy of going deaf when I can't figure out how to turn off the darn thing. As you can see, I am not so upset about paying for security but rather the impending sign language lessons for convicts. Followed immediately by the second lynching from neighbors, wherein perishable food and garden gnomes will be hurled from those awakened in the dead of night.

I'll try to take pictures.


Andy said...

So you believe the dinosaurs became an intelligent species, built spaceships and went to the Delta quadrant and became known as the Voth, too!?!?! Cool! I knew I loved you for a reason!

We have security. They're called guns :)

Flip said...

You did the right thing. If for no other reason than it will make the monkeys feel a little more secure in this very big and scary world...and at the end of the day that's about all you can give them.

Signalite said...

Andy: I don't believe it. But I've heard a wise monkey tell of such things...

flip: Thanks darling.

goblinbox said...

Hurled garden gnomes. What the hell is that neighborhood coming to!

P.S. I hate salesmen.

David said...

I feel safer already!