Tuesday, June 13, 2006

You Got Served!

For a few weeks now, she's called me up every day with a "Did you get served?" It's become our little running gag.

It's like being in the waiting room, patiently sitting, staring at the uninspired, mass-produced painting featuring a still life of flowers. You hear everyone's name called, even the guy who came in an hour after you, and you wonder if you were forgotten about. Someone took a snapshot and we're all just walking around in it but we never change scenes or costumes and the muzak is stuck on repeat.

But now, behold, the season of inclement weather is upon us! And I don't just mean Tropical Storm Alberto.

Last night the storm come through violently. This morning, however, the weather cleared, the sky was beautiful, and with the breeze a knock came to the door. We hardly take this lightly, but allow me to be the first to give myself an irreverent "Bwaha! You got served!" Because she will too. That's how we get through all this. It's a big deal but... geez, man, get on with it. I talk to myself a lot don't I?

I'm actually not sure what I'm supposed to do next. Originally, our plan was that we would do the whole thing ourselves to save from being raped by lawyer costs. Ages ago, I downloaded all the requisite forms and put them in a folder affectionately titled "Blech." But I'm no lawyer. Though I am a professional procrastinator. "Can't today, we'll do it tomorrow, we'll do it next week, we'll do it next month..." So she decided to get an attorney. I can hardly blame her and really I'm half glad about it. I'll be representing myself because frankly I can't afford anything else.

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If you haven't caught on, the only real reason I don't actively seek any kind of companionship is, well, I'm still married. It's been a year and a half now and it's a legality pure and simple. We've taken off our rings, come to our conclusions, but between her and I, it won't be okay until it's done with.

I can't speak for anyone else, but I think I may have really messed myself up in the bedroom sense. My libido is now major league manic depressive. I fear for the poor souls who I may eventually encounter in the wrong stage of that erratic cycle.

This holding pattern effectively prevents me from wanting to make any contact in the just to be friends sense with anyone who presents themself as gay. I have a sense that I'm being watched, like a criminal on the loose. If I even look at someone with those inadvertent, sideways staring eyes, I may as well put the handcuffs on. I feel like I have to explain over and over that I don't want to just sleep with everyone I come in contact with. My own homophobic hell stemming from a lock that I've assigned in order to not step on any toes. Of course, no one is really asking but still...guilty, guilty, guilty.

I have a habit of daydreaming. A lot. I always have. I crush hard and fast, but if anything ever actualized from those crushes I think my brain might hemorrhage.

I still end up a nervous catastrophe whenever I indulge myself in feeling attracted to members of the same gender. Like with Cute Subway Guy who I still get uncomfortably hot under the collar about whenever he makes my sandwich. Last night, Dreamy Apple Store Guy was replacing my power chord and I just wanted to stick my finger in a socket when I was done to get rid of the feeling. And Lordy, I can't even get into the dreams I have about certain...people I've never met.

So I be sure to keep at a safe distance. Although I can board up the windows all I like, storms have a tendency to take unpredictable paths.

6 comments:

Michael said...

I understand and really respect you for taking things slow, especially while things are settling down, but locking yourself up so entirely seems a bit rough. One can never have too many friends. Especially in troubled times.

Take it from this gay guy, whose friends are almost entirely straight men (and their girlfriends, natch), that gay guy friends - the kind you don't sleep with - does make life much more bearable...even if you have to learn the self-restraint bit the hard way.

Sean said...

Don't fret so much about your libido. It's still working or you wouldn't be crushing on Cute Subway Guy and Dreamy Apple Store Guy. When you're in a better place to deal with your attractions, things will take care of themselves. Take your time.

Take it from someone who's been through a couple of periods where even crushing was out of the question. I still remember vividly the beginning of the end of one of those periods. Some guy in Albertsons caught my eye and I had the timerity to think, "He's kinda cute."

That's when my inner VanHelsing jumped up waving a crucifix and shouting "BACK, FIEND!" Shocked me. It was the first time I was consciously aware of his existence.

names said...

I would have to agree with Michael. It's nice to have some gay friends but it doesn't have to define you.
Things will take time and there is really no rush. when you are ready, you will be ready. You can't force it.

David said...

Hey, take care of yourself. Don't roll over for the divorce proceedings just because you feel bad about things. You deserve a future as much as she does.

Your sex drive will resurface once things settle down. Go with it and don't obssess. I think it's great that you want to reserve intimacy for true love, but sex and love are not the same thing. When you are ready, let yourself have some fun without strings. That way when you do meet someone that you want to be intimate with, you won't get all freaked about getting close to him.

Like anything else, having good sex takes practice.

And I third Michael's recommendation to cultivate gay friends. And it's actually much easier then getting dates or sex.

Anonymous said...

Don't do this alone. Now that C has an attorney, you need an attorney. No matter how much C may still care for you, her lawyer will aggressively pursue what he/she considers C's best interests - not what C would settle for, but what her attorney deems appropriate to place before the judge. I urge you to protect yourself; otherwise you may find yourself living in poverty for the next several years.

I know you want to do what is fair. Make sure the settlement is fair for C, your boys AND you. Call the St. Pete Bar Association and get a referral. There are attorneys who will assist you and charge based on your ability to pay. Interview 3 and choose one. 727-821-5450 Do this TODAY. This call will save you thousands of dollars in your future income.

Paul said...

Alden -

You're an extremely talented artist. With unlimited upside potential.

Get a lawyer. Now. As much as you both want to be civil. Her attorney probably doesn't care.

Your future, particularly as it relates to The Monkeys, is at stake. Your blog was the first one I read the entire history. It kept me up until daybreak one night. You're a honest, caring individual. Somewhat introverted and insecure, maybe. But what does that have to do with this issue?

Love and best wishes to you! If this blog has to be sacraficed for the legal good, I hope to stay in touch.

Auction one painting on ebay if you have to. Don't let money be the issue.