Wanted: Hot Straight Boyfriend

Not for me, silly. For my ex-wife.

I'm totally serious.

But they would need to go through me first for some training and verification of orientation. Because otherwise someone needs to love that woman the way that, um, apparently only a gay man can.

Example: When on a date and she asks if you like the shirt she is wearing, do not answer with "Do you like the shirt you are wearing?" And when she says "Not really." do not at that point say "Well, there you go then."

Especially when I already told her she looked fine in the shirt she was wearing.

This will only send her home, forlorn looking, put her head on my shoulder and then promptly renew her Netflix account to resign her to watching things like Evan Almighty and Donnie Brasco back to back.

You Probably Had To Be There

Sitting on the green on a Saturday twilight while the orchestra plays to the breeze.

Me: Massaging C's shoulders. Deeply.

C: Gives F the thumbs up.

F: Sigh (half wistful, half annoyed). I wish I had someone to massage me.

C: G isn't looking very busy over there.

G: I'm actually doing my Kegel's at the moment.

Orchestra: Cue the 1812 Overture with fireworks.