I tried and failed once again to see if I could gain impossible approval to bring an important person along to the movies tonight, to meet my monkeys. It will apparently be a long time before they meet my boyfriend. He is to remain in my other life indefinitely. Because they are not old enough I am told. Or something like that.
There is only one person who can relegate me to such a state with only a few words and a moment. It is always when I must speak with her of things in relation to our children and my apparent stubbornness to stick with my lifestyle. The conversations don't end well lately when in regards to the company I keep and wanting to extend that company to my monkeys.
Even after all this time I am looking for her approval, for a redemption from her. The conversation is a jagged dance. We go through the steps and I am careful not to step on toes and when I do we start over. When I am brave enough to break through in a new move, it's never how I saw it in my head. It's weaker, it scratches and I feel my ankles collapse. It's when the rehearsed lines do not empower, when they slither down into the corner with another foolish hope of acceptance, that is my heel and my downfall.
My bumbling communication skills do not have their limits there either apparently. I'm still on the job hunt. It's not going well.
I know what I am good at, but convincing other people of that is really hard to do. I was on the verge of a new worker drone "art"-type job today. One of those that say artist in the job title but really don't require an iota of creative know how, simply the mechanics of a point and click. I guess anything using Photoshop is considered an artist job? But it didn't work out. So we look onward.
So before that, I went and got the Target job earlier this week. I probably start next week. Peed in a cup and everything. As it is the vampire shift, I am told they lock you in the building until daylight. Wa-hoo.
I do feel better now after taking my dad and his wife with us to the movies. At least I could cheer someone up this evening. I'll try again tomorrow, like always, and see if my routine has changed.