Homework for Elder Monkey has been good overall this year with the exception of two weeks ago Monday, when his cranium literally exploded and all sorts of screaming hatred blew out his ears.
I've heard some people say that words at their root are just words and should not hold power. I have a seven year old you might want to talk to.
It was the apocalypse of meltdowns. He hated homework. He hated Younger Monkey. He hated that Younger Monkey did not have homework. He hated his mom. More telling though, he hated living with them.
He did not, however, hate me. I was seemingly in his eyes, his only ally. Which probably quickly turned when I took away privileges upon hearing of all the spewing disrespect to his mom. However, I could smell something was festering and he wasn't ready to give it up. This was stewing rather than spewing.
Somewhere in the parenting manual there is a chapter still being written detailing maneuvers on how to speak to adults-in-training. I hardly ever have the right words to say. I stumble over them most of the time and I'm never sure which combination of words are scathing and which are healing.
Yesterday, one of his spelling words was "married". To the Elder Monkey, this word made his eyes burn. Tears began to streak his face and as they rolled out came words of his own.
It's not that he wants to just live with me, but all of us together. It's mom's fault completely that we aren't married anymore.
At this point we break out the words that are antidotes, the ones that soothe, the ones that try to break the resolve of a chaotic unfair life. But we still aren't sure of their effectiveness.
While I have the belief that our situation is probably as good as it can be, the verbal sucker punches along that path still know where it hurts the most.
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4 comments:
One of the reasons i come here is i dont have monkeys or family to speak of. It is intresting, often troubling and difficult to know what to say for encourgment especilly since i have no point of reference for "Family"
Having spent many years in an ofaniage and when with my mother it was no better. She constantly reminded me of how much she hated me becouse i reminded her of my father. How was i to even inangne who he was.
You have always had what is best for the Monkeys in everthing you've done in your life. While it would be easy and truthful you have never and have gone out of you way not to say anything negitive about the ex. Not alowing the elder monkey to do it either. I still have to agree that is the best approach. It helps for him to understand you have to have respect for someone you may not agree with. Especilly a parent.
You do what i do when flustrated. Write it down.
Fortunatly for me you do it here.
There is this thing about our brains. if you dont say thats my fault your brain never gets to work on the problen and eventually give you an answer. The worst folks i know alway say thats not my fault. They never solve their problems.
Question your brain it will give you the answeres you need.
Many use Religion to do the same thing they think their talking to God. The reality may be that your really talking to your brain and it gives you the answeres, so yes they do think they talk to God. by doing this with out religion you accomplish the same goal without 5000 years of guilt, excess baggage and often hate.
The computer is an excellent tool for knowledge. put more info in your brain so it has the ablity to give you the best answers to the questions you ask it.
Me thinks you do this with you art as i have watched you work online.
Hang in there Simon your a good egg who is doing the right thing.....
Wow. This is tough, tough stuff. Thanks for sharing.
Yeah, I second the "Thanks for sharing" sentiment. Man, I can't even imagine what it must be like to deal with a growing child. I can only say that I think you're doing the best you can and best of luck to you as you continue to grow as a parent yourself.
I came over from Tornwordo's blog. This post really struck a chord with me. I loved the part where you have a hard time discerning between what words are healing, what ones are damaging. I'm in that club too. Just recently I totally blew out of frustration at my daughter's behavior, (though I'm pretty clean when I talk, and I owned my feelings and stuck to behavior discussion)and instead of making it worse, it made it better. Huh?
Oh, I'm rambling now, and you don't even know me. Sorry. Oh yeah, I like your sketches. A lot.
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