I tried and failed once again to see if I could gain impossible approval to bring an important person along to the movies tonight, to meet my monkeys. It will apparently be a long time before they meet my boyfriend. He is to remain in my other life indefinitely. Because they are not old enough I am told. Or something like that.
There is only one person who can relegate me to such a state with only a few words and a moment. It is always when I must speak with her of things in relation to our children and my apparent stubbornness to stick with my lifestyle. The conversations don't end well lately when in regards to the company I keep and wanting to extend that company to my monkeys.
Even after all this time I am looking for her approval, for a redemption from her. The conversation is a jagged dance. We go through the steps and I am careful not to step on toes and when I do we start over. When I am brave enough to break through in a new move, it's never how I saw it in my head. It's weaker, it scratches and I feel my ankles collapse. It's when the rehearsed lines do not empower, when they slither down into the corner with another foolish hope of acceptance, that is my heel and my downfall.
My bumbling communication skills do not have their limits there either apparently. I'm still on the job hunt. It's not going well.
I know what I am good at, but convincing other people of that is really hard to do. I was on the verge of a new worker drone "art"-type job today. One of those that say artist in the job title but really don't require an iota of creative know how, simply the mechanics of a point and click. I guess anything using Photoshop is considered an artist job? But it didn't work out. So we look onward.
So before that, I went and got the Target job earlier this week. I probably start next week. Peed in a cup and everything. As it is the vampire shift, I am told they lock you in the building until daylight. Wa-hoo.
I do feel better now after taking my dad and his wife with us to the movies. At least I could cheer someone up this evening. I'll try again tomorrow, like always, and see if my routine has changed.
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16 comments:
Big hugs from me!
It must be easy for her to hide her jealousy behind the lifestyle issue.
Hang in there!
My heart goes out to you. It's terrible that she is choosing to act so selfishly (because that's what it is: selfish). Not only is she punishing you but she's also punishing your monkeys -- they have a right to know their dad's Important Person, too. And you have the right to live only one life -- your life. I know how complicated it can be (especially in a place like Florida) but it seems so crystal clear to me that no one is ever too young to see their parent find a bit of happiness in this life.
*hugs*, indeed!
Why do you need her approval and/or permission? Is it a legal stipulation of your divorce? If not, you are allowing her to have this power over you. THIS KIND OF SHIT MAKES ME CRAZY! You're their father as much as she's their mother. Sorry-----but I've never understood this type of behavior. I've been reading your blog since I heard you on Wanda Wisdom. You seem like a lovely talented guy on the surface, so what's up w/ this behavior? Good luck to you in any case.
I second the "big hugs" sentiment. Hang in there.
**Hugs**
Simon,
irv makes the only real point here. He's right.
Any great discovery was made by fighting all the little battles and keep going. To enjoy the victory of discovery. Many folks who you care about half to be left behind. Im many cases only temporarly or untill there convenced your journey was serious and important to you.
Your half way their. Drift endlesslee at sea if you think it helps. Other wise pick up and orr and start paddeling. Hard and fast. Be sincere be kind at the end of the day you determination will get you on course. With a job or an ex.
Look little Columbus your journey has been hard and for the most part the fight is behind you. Let distance be you friend. just keep paddling. Your going somewhere. You or Columbus never knew the victory was just over the horizon. What you think in your mind is where your body will go. Now paddle DAMIT. Two monkeys and a husband are depending on it. one day i promis you'll wake up and there it will be your victory. a new world that was worth the effort and pain.
Isnt that the best gift you could ever give your children.
My thought are always with you in this voyage of discovery.
Sorry to hear of the difficulties and I hope it gets worked out soon and that you'll be able to introduce him to the monkeys.
I agree with Irv as well. Unless there's some stipulation in the divorce, you've got as much right to be open about the company you keep as she does. Is some sort of bringing in a mediation counselor a possibility?
Sorry to hear that the job search isn't going well. I won't say "Things will get better" or "Where have you been looking?" because I hate when people ask me that. *hugs*
wow. I have a family that's also really unaccommodatng to "my lifestyle choices" (as if I chose this just to conflict with them).
But I had a great heart-to-heart with my brother about being able to be full involved in his family's life - specifically my niece's. And it was great. And it got us there. I finally realized I had nothing to lose because I wouldn't be able to live my life in compartments.
I'm pulling for you!
Simon--
Call it mild curiousity, but is your ex-wife dating? If she is, have the monkeys met her new man? If she isn't but plans to, does she have to ask your permission before introducing him to them?
First, when did you get a boyfriend!! You sly dog! Inquiring minds want to know. Good for you.
Second, depending on how long it's been that you two have been together is a significant factor (regarding him meeting the kids), so I will refrain from making any judgements about your ex-wife's decision. But if I were you, I would take Irv's comment to heart and factor it into the equation, as well as Hubbard's salient point.
Thanks for the all the questions and sentiments everyone. There is a lot more to the entire situation than just a bout with homophobia, but that's definitely the part that bothers me the most. I'm also having a hard time talking about her to anyone lately. Especially here, it feels kind of unfair when she doesn't have the same kind of forum to defend herself.
You know my hugs are always available. And not that far away either.
As a lawyer, you are being wise not to push it too hard as there are too many "old fashion" judges that could restrict your access depending on what she decides to do. The best thing is to work to the friendship with your ex-wife and really gain her support. In my case I have full custody and it sure makes my life easy....I really hope things go your way, I enjoyed listening to you on John Ong's show
I'm sorry, honey, that your boyfriend hasn't had the chance yet to meet your monkeys.
But yeah, if the BF is new I'd maintain the even keel you've established. No sense giving anyone any ammunition.
I have a female friend who had too many boyfriends through her house in front of the kids, and her ex used the info to get full custody. It's not just a gay thing, it's an anti-slut thing, when it comes to the law.
I'm sorry you find yourself craving acceptance that doesn't seem to be coming; it must be because once you had it and in some corner of your heart you think that even though things have changed, that at least should still be true?
I have that with my ex-husband sometimes, the feeling that even though everything is different, the journey we made together should somehow still unite us for the occasional moment or two.
Oh well.
Big hugs.
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